Gwyneth Paltrow Hit On Obama Because She Really Is Just That Delusional

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The only thing I really enjoy about Gwyneth Paltrow is making fun of Gwyneth Paltrow. Yes, she’s beautiful, yes, she’s rich, yes, she has the hair of a golden goddess, and, yes, she’s annoying as all fuck. Honestly, I don’t remember when my hatred for her truly began–maybe it’s sort of always been there. I do, however, remember the moment that my feelings on Goopy went from “she’s annoying” to “oh, Jesus Christ, please go the fuck away,” and that was the moment she named her child “Apple.” Apple. As in the fruit that caused the downfall of humanity. And that’s just what Goopy is: the downfall of humanity. So, I suppose her daughter’s name is actually fitting, because, you know what they say, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. LOL. Get it? Apple.

Between her stupid “life” blog, Goop (no, I didn’t come up with the nickname “Goopy,” but bless whoever did), her wannabe Martha Stewart ambitions, and her annual Christmas present suggestions that have, in the past, included things like a $500 candle and a $5,000 kitchen knife set, she is completely out of touch with reality. Aaaaaand, last night, she proved that she really has fucking lost it, because she hit on the president last night at a fundraiser hosted at her California home.

“You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”

Granted, it could’ve been worse. It was probably innocent, and she likely said it while laughing and stroking her hair that was just washed with the tears of Ethiopian children and the blood of unicorns, but still, I hate her. Plus, I’m fairly certain that hitting on the president of the free world is something that’s generally frowned upon–especially when said president is a married father of two. Seriously, I can’t with that woman.

At the rate she’s going, we’re, like, two years away from her renaming herself Jesus. C’mon, Goopy, there’s only room for one savior in this town–and her name is Oprah.

[via Fox News]

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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