If one more girl thinks it’s funny to say, “OH EM GEE…I totes loooove Halloween because it’s obv wayyy acceptable to dress up like a slut,” I might lose it. Ha. Good one. That might have been funny the first time I heard it in middle school when I was trying and failing to figure out how to detach all the extra fabric sewn into my costume just in case someone convinced her parents to let her throw a “boy-girl party” instead of trick-or-treating. You can dress up like a slut any time you damn well please…like every themed mixer ever for instance. Personally, I don’t have a problem with girls showing themselves off, and I find that most girls who do are just jealous, but I don’t understand why it’s ok to pretend it’s not trashy just because it’s a holiday. It’s still trashy, and girls are still going to speak badly about you. It’s just that on this day, you know you can speak badly about them too.
The more important issue at hand is my absolute HATRED for store-bought costumes. I really can’t think of a dumber thing to spend your money on. Don’t even come at me with “well I can afford it.” There are plenty of things that I (my daddy) can afford that I wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole. This list includes but is not limited to: UGGs (which are perhaps the most vile excuse for a shoe I’ve ever laid my eyes on), anything Coach (because after my 14th birthday I realized it’s a GDI brand in designer fabric), Jennifer Aniston’s perfume (because I don’t want to smell like someone who, as gorge as she is, is going to die alone), condoms (no, I’m kidding, I always use condoms…except for when I don’t). Anyway, the real reason I despise store-bought costumes is since I was little my mom always made my costumes for me, and it’s honestly so fun! Halloween is my literal fave (besides New Year’s Eve, Christmas, and my birthday), and making a super adorable and ORIGINAL costume is half the reason why! First of all, it’s such a fun pastime to sit around making your costume with your sisters. Second of all, I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the same tacky outfit as a GDI, costume or not. Plus, your fratdaddy is going to be way more willing to dress up with you if he doesn’t have to wear some ridiculous onesy you found at Party City. Learn to be a little domestic and make your own damn costume, and his too for that matter. A word of advice: dress for your body. Even though I’m sure everyone reading this has a perfect body, I’m sure everyone reading this doesn’t have a perfect body. Don’t dress as Catwoman unless you’re still as tiny as you were when you were ten, nobody wants to see your imperfections anymore than you want them seen. On the other hand, don’t dress as Wonderwoman if you look like a pre-pubescent boy. Even if you’re thin, it looks dumb if you can’t fill it out.
Also, there are so few occasions during which it’s acceptable to wear, in public, the crazy avant-garde makeup styles you try out for no reason (just me?). You don’t have to try and look ridiculous with face paint, but you can absolutely make your makeup appropriate for your costume. Go crazy with eccentric green eye shadow if you’re a witch, or glitter and rhinestones if you’re an angel. But if for some reason you’re not good with makeup (which bewilders me, since you should have been sneaking into the bathroom before school starting in the 8th grade to put your face on), PRACTICE first, and def ASK if it looks ok. You don’t want to be the girl who thinks she looks adorable, when in reality she resembles a prostitute.
Anyway, enjoy the season. Come up with a precious group costume idea, and sit around drinking wine while you make it, have a fantastic time on your haunted hayride date function, go pumpkin picking with your sisters, do some adorable carvings, and use the inside for pie! Then give the pie away to your boyfriend, because you’re not allowed to eat it. Sorry ’bout it.
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