Breaking up is hard. It’s messy and complicated and there’s no right way to do it. Do you take him out to dinner and dump him before dessert? Do you do the slow fade and hope that he gets the hint? Or do you just change your status from “in a relationship” to “single” on Facebook and avoid his calls for the rest of your life? Ugh, they all sound tiresome, annoying, and time-consuming.
But, finally, someone created one of the easiest, and most pain-inducing, ways to breakup with your SO. Basically you just don’t. You hire someone else to do it. A company called “Sorry It’s Over” is now offering breakup services for the modern relationship. Think of it as a hitman for love. And according to its website, Sorry It’s Over will make sure that this relationship dies in what I’m sure will be a dramatic fashion.
Sorry It’s Over is an Australian website that helps you break up with your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband or mistress. It’s never easy to separate, so let us do your dirty work. Why bother telling your lover goodbye yourself. Who needs the grief and who has the time? It’s tiresome when you have had enough of your partner. You have to make up some reason why don’t want to be with them any more. Then you have to decide how to deliver the news. Why look them in the eye and watch the hurt? No one wants to deal with all that screaming, sobbing, begging and emotional pleas of ‘just one more chance’. Let us sort out your relationship for you!
Finally we can stop worrying about cleaning up our own messes and just heartlessly hand them off to someone else. And luckily, the company offers a variety of options for every breakup budget! There’s a text message ($5.50), an email ($5.50), a phone call ($12), an old fashioned snail-mail letter ($13.50), flowers with a brief note ($77), a sympathy hamper ($90), or a personal meeting with a Sorry It’s Over rep ($66).
Or, if none of those options are painful enough for you, you can always stick with some of my favorite breakup classics.
- Give him a puppy. Tell him it’s over. Take back the puppy.
- Get down on one knee and ask “Will you breakup with me?”
- Tell him that you would love him more if he just became someone else.
- “It’s not me, it’s you.”
- Tell him that you booked a romantic vacation for two and that you’re bringing his best friend.
- Look at his penis, laugh, and say “I just need more.”
- Stab him repeatedly in the heart over and over until he dies.
There’s no easy way to break up with your other half. But now we have plenty of impersonal choices that make the breakup as easy as the casual, drunken sex that started your whole relationship. Not only that! These breakups are extremely painful and emotionally scarring! This way you wont have to worry about him moving on too quickly, because he’ll be unable to trust someone again for a very long time. Honestly though, when it comes down to it, no one wants to be dumped. But personally, if I’m going to get the axe, that sympathy hamper isn’t looking so bad..
[via Sorry It’s Over]
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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