Vodka: Burnett’s
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Burnett’s is a classic, because who doesn’t like to drink something that tastes the same going down as it does coming up? It’s probably best known for having so many flavors, which means you can puke the rainbow. You can vomit pink lemonade, citrus, peach, orange, lime, blue raspberry, fruit punch, and more. They’re also ridiculously affordable, and it’s scientifically proven that each nozzle carries 15 + contagious diseases from being passed around your pregame like a hot potato.
Price: $9.99 for a fifth.
True cost: Your reputation within a fraternity, plus an additional $20 for the pizza you’re going to order and eat by yourself on the floor of your dorm room.
Whiskey: Fireball
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Fireball is the unemployed, overweight cousin of Jack Daniels. He once partied with Jim Beam, but Jim decided that Evan was a poor and no longer wanted to be associated with him. He then tried hanging out with Evan Williams, who didn’t want Jim’s sloppy seconds. Now his only friends are you and the girl who hates you enough to bring him to your pregame. You might stick him in the freezer to try to make him taste better, but you’ll end up with a red hot/cough syrup combo.
Price: $14.99 for a fifth.
True cost: A decent grade on your Monday exam, which you will be far too hungover to study for.
Gin: Seagram’s
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College girls who drink gin are just divorcees in training. It’s true that the majority of people who prefer gin are psychopaths, but don’t let that stop you. Now is as good a time as any to inflate your ego and sense of self-worth. It’s okay to think you’re better than everyone else, just as long as you drink it the same way your friend drinks vodka, i.e. irresponsibly.
Price: $19.99 for a handle.
True cost: Your friends, because nobody drinks gin.
Tequila: Jose Cuervo
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Tequila is good for two things: getting you laid and breaking your boyfriend’s limbs when he tries to punch a hole in the wall or kick down a perfectly functioning door. No one wakes up the next morning thinking, “Gee, I’m so glad I drank tequila last night!” But we do it anyway, because even though we’re trudging through the world of higher education, we truly never learn.
Price: $19.99 for a fifth.
True cost: Your favorite underwear, probably lost on a roof somewhere or in the bar bathroom.
Rum: Bacardi
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Bacardi is decent, but only if you have a bartender friend who is capable of making mojitos. Taking straight shots of this shit, however, will likely leave you hurling in the bathroom before the rest of your friends are even buzzed. It’s not advised but if you think you’re tough enough, by all means, go for it. It’s been too long since you hugged your toilet, anyway.
Price: $14.99 for a fifth.
True cost: You’re going home with the bartender.
Beer: Coors
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Coors is that beer that your potential FWB hands you and you drink, not just out of politeness, but because you’re desperate for a buzz. If you knew him better, or weren’t living the under age life, you might ask him to go back to the fridge and bring you something worth drinking. But you’re a child, so you take what you can get. That, or you’re from Chicago and your midwest upbringing has you drinking it as a “Fuck you” to Anheuser Busch. Just remember, it all looks the same in reverse.
Price: $21.99 for a 30 pack.
True cost: The freshman 15 and four bathroom breaks per hour.
Wine: Franzia
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Franzia is a classic, in that you won’t see it many places outside of a fraternity basement or parking lot tailgate. It’s probably the only wine on this Earth that is trashier than beer, and we love it for this very reason. What other beverage encourages you to slap the container, just to prove that it is shatter proof and absurdly portable?
Price: $15 for a box.
True cost: Your second MIP and a trip to the university hospital.
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Lucky Jo
Lucky Jo is a former and current TSM writer who likes her men how she likes her coffee: way too hot and unforgivably bitter. She graduated from the University of Missouri in 2016, proving that C's do in fact get degrees. She now spends her days working for a social media marketing agency, hiking with her dachshund, and trying to bring back the scrunchie. Hate mail and goat memes can be sent to lucyjmulvihill@gmail.com.
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