I hate Christmas parties. It’s not that I actually hate Christmas, just the parties. Aside from the fact that they require you to pretend to be way too fucking jolly (often around finals time when you are really just trying not to punch everyone in the face), I hate Christmas parties because most of the time you get peer pressured into wearing an ugly Christmas sweater. Your ugly Christmas sweater is not cute. It is not flattering. And there is a reason that even the old lady who lives alone with nine cats and undoubtedly knitted it by hand still felt the need to give it away to Goodwill where you undoubtedly purchase it. IT IS UGLY. However, because dressing “festive” is one of the unwritten rules of attending a Christmas party, here are seven costume ideas that don’t require you to wear a dead old lady’s sweater but still make you appear “festive” enough to show up for the free booze.
Think fraternity pool party attire but on crack. To complete this “festive” look feel free to show up to the party in anything from a bikini to lingerie. Thigh-high socks and pushup bras are absolute musts. Some people might be thinking “I live in Maine and it’s 18 degrees here and I will freeze if I wear that.” To you, Prude Patricia, all I have to say is suck it up. Real hoes don’t get cold.
The Virgin Mary
To complete this look it’s time to break out that box of ugly clothes from high school that your mom refuses to throw away even though the majority of the box’s contents should have been burned back when Britney shaved her head. Throw on some gauchos, layer that floral tank top over a blue and green striped t-shirt, put your hair in two high pigtails, and for the finishing touch stick on a name-tag that reads “Mary.” Everybody will automatically assume you’re a virgin because there’s no way you could get boned in such an ugly outfit and the name-tag speaks for itself.
Bonus points for stuffing a pillow in your shirt to give the appearance of a baby bump. I heard guys dig knocked up chicks.
O Holy Knight
Who said the era of jersey parties had to end just because the frat guy you’ve been blowing went home to finger bang his high school sweetheart? Keep the legacy of trashcan punch alive through the holidays by showing up in any jersey bearing the last name “Knight” and throwing on a halo. Just in case you would rather gag yourself with a serrated knife than attend a sporting event I’ll help you cheat: Trevor Knight and Brandon Knight are both jerseys you could have Amazon Primed to you by tomorrow. This laid back costume allows you to still be “punny” while the spandex under the jersey still allow you eggnog-drunk easy access.
Whoever thinks you need to wear blue and sparkles to dress-up like an icicle clearly doesn’t know you that well because for this costume all you need to wear is your best resting bitch face and people will automatically assume your soul is freezing you over from the inside out.
If you are the type of person to take eight too many Jello-Sots at the pregame and not make it to the party this costume is for you. You don’t even have to show up to the party for this one and when people text you to ask where the fuck you are all you have to do is respond with a picture of snow. The “flake” will speak for itself.
For this costume you can wear whatever the fuck you want. All you have to do is show up to the party absolutely trashed. I’m taking “puking your guts out but still trying to makeout with your best friends ex-boyfriend” level of drunk. If you are coherent enough to notice when people ask you if you’re okay just respond that they are dumb and that it should be obvious your level of intoxication is part of your costume. You are a Menorah that’s why you’re fucking lit.
Come dressed as the bad bitch you are because your presence is the greatest gift anyone could receive..