You know that feeling you have when you wake up after a night of serious hell-raising? It’s a very distinct feeling, which I refer to as a “guilt hangover,” and it keeps you in bed until you’ve texted everyone you were with the night before to make sure you didn’t eat it in the middle of the street in front of 147 people. Unfortunately, I’ve had more than my share of these particular nights, and, subsequently, mornings. The most recent was three weeks ago when the first thing I saw upon waking up was my bloody foot. And no, I’m still not sure about that one.
Should you wake up with a guilt hangover, your gut will tell you to immediately check the room, the state of your clothes, and your phone. Then, text everyone. These texts should never begin with “OMG what did I do last night?” No, they’re much more subtle. Better to have someone else tell you about your daring, Rhianna-inspired dance moves than straight up admit you lost your shit last night. A simple “OMFG I LOVED SEEING YOUR FACE LAST NIGHT” will suffice. If you did anything wildly inappropriate–and assuming the person you’re texting isn’t a heinous bitch–she’ll tell you what happened.
Perhaps you to slowed your roll and you luckily dodged the guilt hangover. Don’t assume you’re safe, sister. Are you in your bed? Do you have your bag? Is your body clean-ish? Is your phone in a semi-normal place? (Think bedside table, dresser, bathroom, floor, etc.) If you answered “no” to any of those questions, you might have a guilt hangover.
Maybe you just had one of those bizarre nights, where you drank five or six Rolling Rocks and woke up to a wadded up orange Whataburger wrapper and 57 packets of spicy ketchup littering your bed. If any said foods or condiments are in your hair or on your sheets or walls, you probably got really awesome the night before.
If, after a night out, you pack your school bag with your chemistry books and head to class, you did not get awesome. In fact, you’ve acquired negative awesomeness and are clearly doing it wrong. Try it again tonight and report back.