Believe it or not, I’m only a bitch most of the time, and as previously discussed, I actually do feel bad turning guys down sometimes. After all, they already have to live their whole lives looking like that, which probably means they have low self-esteem, will get a mediocre job, and end up in a loveless marriage with bratty kids who always wonder why they can’t keep up with the Joneses (aka my future husband and our perfect family). After many a night of feeling guilty about having had the thought “Did he really think he had a shot with me?” I’ve come up with the “right way” to turn a guy down.
Normally you start out the night with your sisters, a few shots deep, and arrive at the bar and literally cannot function until you have a drink in your hand. You march straight up to the bar, squeezing between fat GDIs and it only takes a few seconds before a boy is trying to strike up a conversation. He uses the oh-so-clever line, “So what are you drinking tonight?” Well, this is awkward. Tipsy you definitely wants to be drunk you, and in any condition you like being taken care of. I’m here to tell you it’s best to just not accept his drink. Daddy can afford this one just as easily as he can afford the last one, and the next one. As difficult as it is to turn down alcohol, the right thing to do is tell him “Thanks, but I’ve got it.” Or if this advance comes later in the night, “Thanks, but I’m actually good for the night.” Of course, you don’t do ever actually do this…so we’re on to the next phase.
He buys your drink, and you make some awkward chitchat as you wait for the bartender to come back. You sit there sipping and looking down as he pays, knowing you’re an asshole if you just walk away at this point. I mean, we’ve all done it, but you’re still an asshole when you do. So, you carry on talking about things that don’t matter for a few more minutes, hoping for an out, but then he asks you if you want to dance. You don’t. Well, you do, but not with him. How do you avoid it? With the simple “Actually, it’s just me and the girls tonight, but it was sooo nice meeting you.” He’ll probably know that’s not true, but it could be! However, make sure that all your girls aren’t already latched on to fratstars for the evening, because once that happens you’ll find yourself in quite a pickle. Hopefully he gets the hint when your sisters keep pulling you away from him as you dance, but you’re like…really pretty, so he probably won’t.
Your night is coming to an end, and he’s asking for your number. Ugh. You’ve already wasted a perfectly good evening, and a perfectly good outfit on this perfectly imperfect stranger. Do NOT give a fake number. It WILL backfire when he says, “I’ll call you right now so you have mine too.” It also makes you seem like even more of a pretentious bitch than you mean to be. Just hit him with “Actually, I don’t give my number out to guys I meet at the bar, but maybe I’ll see you around sometime.” He has to respect that you want to be wooed when you’re sober (even though it really makes no difference to you), but he’ll probably be a little pissed he wasted his night on you. Frankly, you’re pissed he wasted his night on you too. Of course, by this point, you’re pretty wasted, so you ordinarily just give him your number regardless of how much you don’t want him to have it, because you can’t come up with a reason not to (which is why these responses need to be on auto-pilot).
Finally, you get to the point where he’s texted you the following night asking, “What are you up to later?” You’re really tempted to respond “fighting cavities” and leave it at that, but realize that’s probably only funny if you intend to continue a conversation with him afterward. Shit. You know, I almost don’t feel bad for you at this point. You got yourself here. You had so many different opportunities to give him the boot, but you somehow weren’t able to. At this point, you’re just going to have to be really busy until he stops texting you. Usually this only takes two or three occurances. Most guys are aware that you don’t really have an emergency appointment with your chiropractor two Friday nights in a row, but there are extreme cases where you’ve gone on for 6 months without ever seeing him again, you don’t even know what he looks like, and he still hits you up. At that point, I say just be the bitch and tell him you’re sorry about his missing testicle, but you can’t handle this kind of clinginess. That should probably do the trick.
Nice Move328
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]
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