How Do You Decide Who To Marry?

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I recently stumbled across an article titled “How Do You Decide Who To Marry?” Obviously, because I have ovaries and am painstakingly alone, I immediately clicked on the page, desperate for a few pearls of wisdom from Dr. Phil or some divorced female blogger who has “Cathy” cartoon cutouts on her fridge. But instead of the “How To Trick Some Poor Bastard Into Marrying You” guide I was hoping for, I was greeted by the words of children. The article, a compilation of relationship questions answered by kids, while not what I had expected, was equal parts genuine and hilarious. So, BlutarskyTFM and I decided to answer the exact same questions, you know, essentially putting a perverted spin on the words of innocent children. Without further ado, here’s our own fucked up version of “How Do You Decide Who To Marry?”

How do you decide who to marry?

Bluto: Can she cook and clean? Decent in the sack? Attractive? Able to hold an intelligent conversation? It’s all or nothing.
Rehab: The first person that accidentally knocks you up? I don’t know, that’s who all the girls I went to high school with seem to be marrying.

What is the right age to get married?

Bluto: She’s got to be legal and half my age, so I guess that means 36 at the earliest.
Rehab: Uh, yesterday.

What do most people do on a date?

Bluto: Fuck if I know. I’m not most people. I don’t do “dates.” I do a little thing called Formal.
Rehab: Wait. People still go out on dates?

What would you do on a first date that was turning sour?

Bluto: Take a pledge’s date and make him hang out with the original one.
Rehab: Leave in the middle of the night?

When is it okay to kiss someone?

Bluto: When you can’t remember her name and can only manage to drunkenly mumble “Sweetheart.”
Rehab: After seven shots of vodka and four cups of jungle juice, ideally while in the basement corner of a fraternity house with Eddie Money playing in the background. But hey, I’m a romantic.

Is it better to be single or married?

Bluto: What kind of fucking question is that?
Rehab: What kind of fucking question is that?

How would you make a marriage work?

Bluto: Make a lot of money. If you make enough, it’s an unwritten rule that there are no questions asked.
Rehab: A gym membership, home cooked meals, a heavy flirtation with alcoholism, and the ability to turn your head when his eye wanders.

Read the original article here.


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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email:

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