How Girls Get A Boyfriend Vs. How Guys Get A Girlfriend

Boyfriend Girlfriend

Getting a significant other is an art form. A game, even. You think people walking hand-in-hand just stumbled upon each other? You think they just fell in love with the other person, exactly as they were. LOL. Nah. In order to get a “bae,” a “boo,” or whatever other disgusting pet name you use to describe your SO, you have to work. You have to change. You have to become the ideal person for them. For guys and girls, however, getting a special someone is pretty different. Here are a things the sexes need to consider when looking for a mate. It’s not easy on either side, but hey. It’s life.

How Girls Get A Boyfriend

  1. Be a solid 8
  2. But preferably a 10.
  3. Be fit.
  4. But not too fit.
  5. Don’t have fat, flabby arms.
  6. But don’t be too built. You don’t want to look like a guy.
  7. Be blonde.
  8. But don’t look like a fake blonde. Look like a real blonde (because so many of those exist in nature).
  9. Have a nice ass.
  10. Have Kim Kardashian’s ass.
  11. Have big tits. Real or fake. But if they’re fake, make sure they’re convincing.
  12. Dress sexy.
  13. But not too sexy. You don’t want other guys to look at you.
  14. Be able to bake. Like really, really bake.
  15. And cook.
  16. And be willing to make dinner every night, have snacks for game days, and cold beers always at the ready.
  17. Like beer.
  18. But don’t be annoying about it.
  19. Care about football.
  20. But be quiet and respectful during games.
  21. Don’t make him watch any of the dumb shows you like.
  22. Be cool and laid back.
  23. But not a try-hard.
  24. Get along with his friends.
  25. But don’t be overly friendly.
  26. Don’t. Be. Friends. With. Your. Ex.
  27. But be cool with it if he catches up with his every now and again.
  28. Be able to handle your alcohol.
  29. And don’t be an emotional drunk.
  30. Actually, just don’t be emotional.
  31. And don’t whine to him about your problems. That’s not what he’s there for.
  32. Be okay with the occasional low-key sexist joke about making sandwiches.
  33. Also, make good sandwiches.
  34. Don’t play games.
  35. But be hard to get. Don’t let him give up the chase too easily.
  36. Don’t take forever to get ready.
  37. But always look flawless when you two go on a date.
  38. Or when he comes over.
  39. Or when you’re just lounging around the house.
  40. Don’t talk about your diet.
  41. And don’t make him go on a diet.
  42. And whatever you do, don’t be a vegetarian.
  43. But stay trim, okay? He doesn’t want to date a porker.
  44. Don’t be too hard on him. And don’t expect him to look like Channing Tatum. He’s just a mere mortal, after all.
  45. Be hairless. Legs, arms, downstairs. Don’t let him know that you actually grow hair.
  46. Just don’t make a big deal about his bush, okay? It’s fine. Just don’t breathe through your nose.
  47. Don’t make him wear condoms. I mean, what’s wrong with you?
  48. Guys’ night. Accept it. Love it. Don’t bug him about it.
  49. And don’t text him a million times, okay? Clingy is never hot.
  50. Even if he’s ignoring your calls. And even if he’s acting like a dick. It’s fine. Just relax.
  51. But don’t run off and make plans without him. That’s rude.
  52. And if you have a girls’ night? Don’t go to a bar with a ton of guys. You are his girlfriend after all.
  53. Blow jobs. You need to give those.
  54. Often.
  55. And if you don’t swallow, what’s the point, you know?
  56. Take things at his speed. Whatever that means.
  57. Don’t have periods.
  58. And if you do? Don’t talk about them.
  59. Same goes for pooping, burping, farting, sweating, and really any other bodily function.
  60. And whatever you do. Don’t age. Get younger as he gets older. And if you expect a life together, stop aging at like twenty-six. Trust.

How Guys Get A Girlfriend

  1. Exist.

Seems fair.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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