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How I Got A Boyfriend (And How You Can, Too)

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I kind of did the impossible: I got a boyfriend. Like, a real life, actual human, man friend. I have one of those. But the road to getting here wasn’t always easy. In fact, it was actually never easy. Being single is like being at fucking war. War. A war where you have two options: win or die…alone. So I chose to win. So, who wants to win with me? Oh, all of you? That’s what I thought, so listen up.

I first met my boyfriend about a year ago, and in that span of time, we’ve moved pretty (read: very) quickly. We said the “L” word within a few weeks, moved in together within a few months, and within a few more months, this girl is tryin’ realllll hard to get a ring on it. What can I say? I’m a go-getter, and I want him…and his money, of course. Now, obviously that timeline is unrealistic for a college (or high school–yeah, we know you read the site) relationship, but we’re a lot older than you, and we have things like gray hair and chin whiskers, so we’re allowed to move a little quicker. That being said, this is a column about how to GET a boyfriend, not how to get him to move in with you or propose. We’ll save those other two ideas for a rainy day.

Do:
Date around. You’re not going to meet anyone if you’re holed up in your dorm/apartment/parents’ basement. In order to meet potential boyfriends, you have to actually be able to, well, meet them.

Don’t:
Say yes to absolutely everyone. Sure, put yourself out there and take some chances, but you know what your deal-breakers are. Why go on a date with someone who is a different religion than you are if that is something you would never, ever be able to deal with in a relationship? There’s no need to waste your time–or his.

Do:
Be approachable. Hell, sometimes you should just approach the guy yourself. It’s 2014. Stop expecting them to do all the work.

Don’t:
Be overeager or obsessive. If he’s not interested, he’s not interested. Be like Elsa and let it go.

Do:
Answer his texts in a timely manner. The three-day rule is completely obsolete at this point. You should respond to his text or phone call within an hour or two of seeing it. He should afford you the same courtesy.

Don’t:
Text bomb him. No more than two texts at a time.

Do:
Suggest you see each other again if you feel chemistry on the first date.

Don’t:
Feel obligated to accept another date if you feel nothing. Thank him for a lovely evening and let him know that while you had a nice time, you think the two of you would be better off as friends. Yes, it’s shitty. But it’s even shittier to lead someone on because you can’t be an adult.

Do:
Sleep with him whenever YOU feel comfortable. Rules be damned, you do you.

Don’t:
Let him pressure you into it.

Do:
Stop dating around once you’ve gone on a few dates with one person and things are going well.

Don’t:
End it with the other guys unless the boy you like is on the same page.

Do:
Do more than drink and have sex once you get into a relationship. There’s a lot more to learn about a person than his favorite drink and sex position.

Don’t:
Feel obligated to get out of bed EVERY weekend. Just most.

Do:
Bring up the “relationship” talk in a timely manner. You’re not seeing other people, but this talk doesn’t always mean what you think it means. Is he simply comfortable not sleeping with anyone else for the time being? Or does he actually see this going somewhere? You need to know what’s going on in that man-brain of his.

Don’t:
Ask him when you’re getting married on the sixth date. Be a respectable woman and save it for the tenth.

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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