The closer you creep toward that impending day that shall not be named, the more frequently you will be asked about your plans for the rest of your wide open, gaping, void of a future. This can become tiresome, especially during the holidays when you’re surrounded by a plethora of friends and family who haven’t seen you in months. They weren’t there to witness any of your recent accomplishments, such as going braless for four consecutive days, finally learning how to pop a bottle of champagne with your eyes open, or managing to write an entire term paper in one night.
These folks don’t have the slightest idea what your college experience has actually consisted of (Netflix, memorizing chapters for the next day’s quiz, bar bathrooms, Tinder) yet they expect you to have developed a full, official, notarized life plan complete with a table of contents, an index, and a plan B should your initial plan crash and burn. If you’re one of those rare students who knows exactly, without a doubt what you want to do upon leaving the hallowed halls of higher learning, then I recommend typing it all up, printing it, binding it, and keeping a few dozen copies on hand for the inevitable inquires. You can even sign them, slap a bow on the cover, and call them presents: “Merry Christmas! Here’s a signed copy of my life plan, since you’re so interested. Feel free to refer to it over the next five years and remind me how I’m doing with my goals!” This will effectively diminish the amount of times you’ll have to give the same “postgrad plans” speech. You’ll have so much more time to enjoy the true meaning of the holidays, track your online shopping orders of things you bought for yourself when you should have been buying gifts for others, and drink all your parents’ wine.
For those of us who are less prepared for the future, here is a list of possible responses to the question, “So, what are you doing after graduation?” when you have no effing idea.
- Softcore porn.
- Hardcore porn.
- I’ve heard there are a lot of openings for trainers at SeaWorld.
- I’m waiting to hear back from the Ringling Brothers.
- My agent is working on a spot for me on “The Biggest Loser.”
- My parents have a really nice basement.
- Hand modeling.
- I’m going to be Beyoncé’s assistant.
- I’m the next bachelorette.
- I’m almost done with the research to create the prototypes for my line of ethnically specific dildos.
- My hip-hop album “I Can’t Even VI” is about to drop.
- I’m going on a book tour for my memoir “Can You Tell I’m Not Wearing A Bra? And Other Questions That Make The Grocery Store Cashier Uncomfortable.”
- I’m launching my own line of dog raincoats.
- I’m launching my own line of lingerie for the elderly.
- I’m launching a spaceship.
- I’m opening a food truck that only sells red wine and raw cookie dough.
- I’m developing a perfume made out of pure sex pheromones.
- I’m getting my master’s in animal husbandry.
- I’m moving to Vegas to be a showgirl.
- I’m moving to Wisconsin to pursue my interest in cheese.
- I’m moving to Antarctica to vaccinate penguins.
- I’m moving to the Caribbean to teach manta rays English.
It may seem like everyone else has a collated, bound, hardcover life plan, but you have this list. Print it out, stick it in your tiny, sparkly holiday party clutch, and remember that I have no idea what I’m doing come May, either. Godspeed, and may you avoid defensively yelling at anyone out of fear and shame this holiday season..