How To Be The “Right” Kind Of Bitch

Right Kind Of Bitch

They say you want your friends to be the perfect amount of bitchy. When I say “they,” of course I mean the ambiguous beings that DJ Khaled regularly references but never defines — which makes me think no one actually says that. Still, this is just semantics, and the sentiment remains true. You want a friend who is nice enough to you know, be a good person and all that good jazz, but still has that little bit of edge. You want a “halfway” bitch. That’s the sweet spot. You don’t want anyone to take advantage of you, but you don’t want to scare away all your friends either. So how do you know if you’re doing right in Girl World?

1. Talk Some Shit…But Own It
All of us – ALL OF US – talk about people behind their backs. It’s human nature to vent about people that piss us off. But the perfect halfway bitch A.) owns her shit talk if she gets caught and B.) is willing to bring the convo face-to-face if the situation requires. The perfect halfway bitch will not hesitate to call a friend – or foe – on her bullshit when necessary, but she doesn’t go completely insane over every perceived slight.

2. Use The Power Of Persuasion, Not Pushiness (Or Passive Aggressiveness)
You want someone to see your side of the issue, whether it be a fight with your boyfriend or a conflict with your big? The perfect halfway bitch doesn’t bully someone in accepting her point of view, nor does she use thinly-veiled statements to get her point across. Instead, she calmly and confidently explains her reasoning, and if the other party can’t be convinced…well, she simply moves on. She’s not into wasting her time.

3. Know When To Make A Scene And When To Walk Away
The perfect halfway bitch knows how to pick her battles. The barista only put one Splenda in your non-fat skinny caramel latte? Let it go and grab your own yellow packet. The salesperson won’t let you exchange that sweater even though you have the receipt and are complying with the return policy? Well, she better call her manager because it’s about to get real nasty up in here.

4. Learn The Art Of Compromise…Without Conflict
No one likes it when they don’t get their away. When that happens, the all-in bitch will fight to the death, going full-fledged psycho to get what she wants, while the pushover will simply hang her head and walk way. The perfect halfway bitch realizes that if you can’t get exactly what you want, getting halfway there is better than nothing. So instead of freaking out or fleeing, she has the confidence to dig in just enough to get others to realize that compromise is the best solution.

5. Not Everyone Is Her Best Friend
You know those girls who LOVE everyone? Like, literally everyone is their best friend? Here’s a secret about them: they are usually either a full on bitch, with no real friends, or a total sap, who has so many “friends” because she does everything they ask. The perfect halfway bitch realizes that you don’t have to love everyone in your chapter, at work, or even in your family, and it’s fine if they don’t all love her either. But she also knows that not liking someone doesn’t give her the right to be mean or rude. She realizes that while not everyone her BFF, she catches more flies with honey than vinegar.

The bottom line…the perfect halfway bitch walks a tightrope between shrew and sucker. But her most important skill? Getting right back on it when she falls off…because while she may be the perfect halfway bitch, she doesn’t do anything halfway.

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Jenna Crowley

Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at

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