Do you ever look in the mirror and hope for a split second that Kendall Jenner’s face is staring back at you, only to be disappointed by your own reflection? Do you sometimes take a picture, look at it, and think, “Is this what my face really looks like? Am I maybe not as pretty as I think I am?” I’ve been there. Everyone says it’s not about what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that matters, blah blah blah. I’m already comfortable and happy in my own skin. I can walk out of my house in sweats and no makeup and not give a shit. But on the rare occasion that I trade in my sweats for a skirt and hit the bars, I want to feel and look my best. So sue me for a giving a shit about what I look like to the outside world.
Seeing as I’m too poor to afford plastic surgery and too lazy to actually work out, I’ve had to find new ways to improve my outwards appearance. I already know how to make myself look better in photos and on Instagram, but what about real life? You can’t use the slimming tool it in reality. Or can you? Through a series of trial and error, I’ve found four fool-proof methods to trick people into thinking I’m more attractive than I really am (at least Thursday-Sunday).
Contour is my religion. I will contour until the day I die and then I’ll make sure whoever is doing my makeup for my casket viewing gives me cut cheekbones. Contouring can take five pounds off your face. That’s an exaggeration, but it really does slim down your face a lot. If you do it right, it can literally change the shape of your face. But like Facetune, if you overboard, it will be incredibly obvious. Watch some tutorials on Youtube, practice a few times, and you’ll get the hang of it. The best thing about contouring is that it looks good on everyone. If you already have a slim face, congratulations you just became a model. If you have a round face, you just lost a few pounds without having to break a sweat.
2. Find Your Best Feature And Exploit It
Everyone has something they love about themselves. If you have great boobs, show ’em off with a low cut shirt or a something tight. If you have a great ass, wear shorts or pants that accentuate your rear. If you have long, flowing mermaid hair, add some highlights and leave it down. If you have big boobs, a great butt, and gorgeous long hair, well, fuck you. Whatever it is you love about yourself, own it and show it off to the world. Have one thing and make it your thing. Trust me, people will notice, and it also just makes you feel good about yourself.
3. Always Follow The 2 Out Of 3 Rule
There are three components to looking good: hair, makeup, and outfit. The two out of three rule states that in order to be considered “put-together,” you must have two out of the three components. If you’re not in love with your outfit, your makeup and your hair should be on point. If you’re too lazy to put on a full face of makeup, make sure your hair and outfit still look good. You can fool anyone into thinking that you actually tried if you follow this rule. The rule exists because you can’t be perfectly pulled together all the time. Sometimes your winged eyeliner had a mind of its own and decided to go haywire. You can makeup for this by coming through with great hair and a sick outfit. As long as you always have two out of three, you’re good.
4. Fake It Til You Make It
This is the most important thing. Hot girls are hot not because of their body or their face, but because they know they’re hot. It’s their confidence that’s the most attractive thing about them. If you want to be a hot girl, you have to act like one. Walk into a room like you own the place. Get up on stage and dance instead of standing in the corner. Tell yourself that you’re hot shit enough times and I promise, you’ll start to believe it, which will make other people believe it, too.
Important note about all of this: it’s all an illusion. Contour is literally faking a shadow on your face, and the right clothes can really change your body shape, but at the end of the day it’s all a façade — a really pretty façade, but a façade nonetheless. At the end of the day, you’re still yourself underneath it all. You’re still you, just a version of yourself that might get you a few more phone numbers or even a date by the end of the night. You’re welcome. .