How To Cure Your Hangover In 8 Easy Steps

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We went hard last night. And we mean hard. Like, find your pants in the back of the freezer hard. And after that many shots, beers, vodka sodas, and strawberry daiquiris (DO NOT JUDGE US), we’re in need of a serious hangover cure.

So, to make sure that no one else is trapped in hangover hell with no end in sight, we tested common cures to find the one that will take you from near death to back to normal (or at least upright and somewhat functioning).

We guess technically you’re also supposed to do this while you are out drinking, but who has time for drinking water when the DJ at the bar is playing “Slave 4 U” on repeat? Oh, and by DJ we mean laptop and by bar we mean our apartment. That’s exactly the time you start doing choreographed dance moves and start drinking wine straight from the bottle. We’re trying to make up for lost time, so we’re downing Evian all morning, but all it’s doing is making us have to pee more, which means getting out of bed, which is basically our nightmare.

Greasy Food
Remember: when you’re hungover, calories don’t count. At least, that’s what we told ourselves after placing an order for two stuffed-crust meat-lovers pizzas, an appetizer sampler platter, an order of nachos, and a side of curly fries. No, wait, make that two sides of curly fries. And a bucket of Diet Coke. The biggest problem with this remedy is that it doesn’t actually cure your hangover as much as it scares it away. Indulging in this grease feast will ultimately make you feel so gross that even your hangover is like, “Ugh, I’m out.” Side effects may include scrolling frantically through old Facebook albums, moaning, “Ugh, remember how thin we were in 2005?!” while continuing to pick at your third order of curly fries. Yeah, we got more.

We are seriously dragging. Just browsing through Netflix has left us completely exhausted. These extra-large coffees (thanks, Seamless) are slowly helping though. Like, now we’re sitting up. You know what? This actually feels good. Maybe this hangover isn’t so bad afterall and we should totally try and get some fresh air and remember how we had that idea for an app we wanted to develop why haven’t we started that yet and let’s go for a run AND EVERYTHING IS AMAZING OKAY NOW WHY IS THIS COLD SWEAT TAKING OVER ARE WE DYING I CAN’T FEEL MY FACE!?

There are few things in the world Advil cannot fix. We’ve taken it for everything from headaches to sore throats to being kind of tired to hating everything in our closets. Sure it may be slowly destroying our livers, it’s worth it. After all, it usually helps at least a little. A hangover is no exception. After taking a handful (that’s the recommended dosage), we don’t exactly feel “productive member of society” good, but we at least feel “won’t murder the delivery guy when he comes back with meal number two” good.

Ha! This is a joke, right?

Sleeping It Off
This always seems like a great option, but unfortunately, WE CAN’T FALL BACK ASLEEP. Now we’re just lying here, texting each other all sorts of sleep/murder emoji, watching back-to-back animated Disney movies. Seriously, when’s the last time you watched Aladdin? That movie is legit. Sleep must help some of you people, but it’s not working for us. Maybe we should get more fries?

Ahh, yes, Gatorade! A magical elixir brewed by gods specifically to help serious athletes achieve peak performance levels on game day. And since we just completed a marathon of drinking, Gatorade should help us, too. It’s delicious, filled with electrolytes, and pretty cheap. Plus, it’s a great mixer with vodka!

Hair Of The Dog
Finally, something that we think will actually work. Drinking felt pretty good last night, so why not just keep that going? That first Bloody Mary may feel a little rough, but once it’s gone –and we’ve ordered another basket of breakfast muffins — the daylight is looking a little less threatening. Perhaps this is the best cure of them all! Instead of waiting for your hangover to hit, and then curing it, just never get a hangover at all by continuing to drink forever.

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Alyssa and Alison

Alyssa Wolff and Alison Leiby are stand-up comics and writers. Follow them at AlyssaWolff and AlisonLeiby.

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