Step 1: Get Into A Circle Formation
Unlike most other forms of dance, The White Girl can not be performed by an individual. Much like their voyages to the bathroom, and decisions on what to have for lunch, white girls practice a herd mentality on the dance floor. You need a group to properly execute The White Girl. The standard circle formation is used almost exclusively. Your circle becomes a forcefield. Unlike the slutty friend, it is impenetrable. No ugly creepers can get in (as everyone will ferociously shake their heads in opposition should one try to dance up on you), and none of your gal pals are left out.
Step 2: Stop. Collaborate And Listen
As each song ends, a new cycle of your rendition of The White Girl begins. After jamming out, full throttle, to a top 40s hit, you will smoothly awkwardly and obnoxiously transition. Before doing anything, freeze. Bonus points if you bend your elbow at a 45 degree angle and rotate your wrist inward in a tight, semi-circular motion, before exposing your palm to onlookers as if to say “Everybody pause.” (And I know you all did that just now.) Now, look your circle of girl friends in the eyes, eyebrows raised, and strain your neck, as if nearing your ear to a speaker (even if you don’t know where one is). Do not move until someone confirms which Lorde hit is about to penetrate your ear canal. Only when someone notifies the group which song is playing can you become mobile again.
Step 3: Approve and Woo
Once you’ve realized that THIS IS YOUR THEME SONG, it becomes necessary to publicly and loudly exclaim just that. This is crucial. You should grab your girls and squeal as if you were completely (and pleasantly) surprised that the DJ chose KATY PERRY of all musicians to feature in his remix (for the third time tonight). You LOVE this song, and you’re not truly doing The White Girl unless you ritualistically make the whole bar aware of that as it begins to play.
Step 4: Get Into The Ready Position
This is very important. Most dancers will tell you to “loosen up” to get a good rhythm going. Twerking? Gotta be loose. Salsa. Loose and rhythmic. Grinding? Loosey goosey. But you are doing The White Girl. You need to keep it tight and together. Your legs should be closed (duh). Starting from your ankles, and ending at your pelvis, your legs should be touching or nearly touching, knees slightly bent. Now’s when that #thighgap is coming back to bite you in the overly ventilated ass. Your clutch should be neatly nestled beneath the arm that’s holding your drink. Your other arm should be free. You’ll need it later.
Step 5: Loosen Up The Vocal Cords
The necessary next component is to sing-scream the lyrics. Don’t be embarrassed. You’re just being Miley. As you squeal along, you should act out the lyrics with both your face and your free hand. If the lyric is “you,” you should point directly in front of you to no one in particular. If the lyric is “me,” you should point to yourself. And not a single white girl in history has ever said “Excuse me. You’re a hell of a guy. I mean I’ve really got a thing for American guys.” Without duck facing, excessively rolling her eyes, and putting her hand to her mouth to “excuse herself.” I mean *sigh.* (And you better believe you should sigh).
Step 5.1: Get Moving
This dancing is, by no means, traditional dancing. Your base component here is bouncing up and down, by bending and straightening your knees rhythmically. Experienced white girls may sway their hips side to side (NEVER in circular motion — this isn’t a prostitution ring). Seems pretty basic, but then you add in the most iconic gesture in this style of dance: The White Girl Hand. When you’re not busy pointing at yourself, or your friends, or your body parts as a means of expressive dance, your hand must be held in the air, at a medium height. Your hand should be elevated about evenly with your head, at which time, you move it stupidly. Some white girls like to do a wavelike motion with their hand. Some white girls prefer tiny tapping motions — with a stiff hand, they just tap the air repeatedly. It doesn’t matter what you’re doing with your spare hand. The important thing is that you’re moving it in such a small, seemingly meaningless way that it would never be considered dancing in any other social circle.
Step 6: The Finale
Every dance has a focal point. The White Girl focuses on the chorus. As soon as the beat picks up, everyone should take a deep, collective breath, shoot their stiff-arm straight into the sky and jump to the beat, while screaming “I DON’T CARE!!!!! I LOVE IT! I DON’T CARE!” At this point, it may become appropriate to close your eyes and throw your head around carelessly. You do whip your hair back and forth, after all.
Continue this 6-step process for each song until you leave, breaking only for group trips to the bathroom, or to get a vodka soda with extra lime. Experienced dancers may attempt this on the nearest elevated surface.
Nice Move249
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
@VeronicaRuckh
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