As we’ve all surely experienced, there are many different types of guys: the douchebag, the jock, the too emotionally attached, and the one who says he’ll call but never does, for example. Well, I’ve discovered over the years that we ladies can be broken down into categories, too. One friend who will go all the way but stop just short of sex with any guy is the tease. Another beautiful, thin, intelligent, and kind friend who was just too distant to commit to any one suitor is every guy’s “one who got away.” Yet another dear friend is the one who makes out with guys in bars every weekend but couldn’t tell you the last time she’s fallen in love for fear of being hurt again. Me? Well, I’m the “almost” girl.
Through all my life, I have always been the “almost” girl. I’m the girl who the guy has almost hooked up with or almost dated or almost fallen in love with, but time after time, it turns out that I was only almost hot enough to date or almost daring enough to get out of the friend zone. This has left me with a deep-rooted scar that I am only almost good enough; that is, that no matter what, I will never be good enough. This feeling is as true to me as being short, having brown eyes, or knowing that two plus two is four. This truth has been reaffirmed time after time, year after year, with heartbreak after heartbreak. I was almost good enough for my first love, but he left me for my best friend. I was almost good enough for my high school sweetheart, but he cheated on me and led me on with promises of love and a future for the following three years.
Over time, I realized I was good enough for some things. I was good enough to be the best friend of guy after guy that I fell for, while they chased after, dated, proposed to, and married other women. I was good enough to make out with in a bar, but never to be called back again. I was good enough for guys to cheat on their girlfriends with. Hell, I was even good enough to be the beard for my first college boyfriend who turned out to be gay. For all of these things that I was good enough for, I always fell short of what I wanted so desperately to be good enough for: all the love, respect, and care that I always wanted but never thought I deserved out of a relationship.
I may be biased, but it’s my personal opinion that being the “almost” girl is the hardest, cruelest, most heartbreaking type of girl to be. I wish I was the tease. I wish I was the one who got away. I wish I was the one who’d never been in love. I wish I was the one who could look love and emotion square in the eye and say, “I’m better off without you,” and walk away. But I can’t, because I’m the “almost” girl. I’ve been heartbroken, hurt, and absolutely annihilated by love, but somehow I can’t stay away.
I could blame being the “almost” girl on so many things. I could blame the boys who never called me back. I could blame society for telling me to sit back and wait on gentleman to come calling. I could blame other girls for being too aggressive, too out there–the girls who put me in the shadows. And truth be told, sometimes I do. But honestly, the one person I should blame–but never want to–is myself.
You see, at the end of the day, the responsibility falls on me. I’m the one who allowed guys to walk all over me. I’m the one who never made a move. I’m the one who was too afraid to let my voice be heard. I could sit in my room and mope about being the “almost” girl, like I have so many times before, or I could recognize this fear in myself and make a change. After all, if I want to stop being the “almost” girl, the responsibility comes back to me, because I’m the only one who can change that.
Being the “almost” girl is tough–the actual toughest–but as with anything bad, going through rough times makes you stronger. After you’ve been the “almost” girl for long enough, you start to break. And in this case, that’s exactly what you need to do. Being walked on enough times gives you the courage to get up off the floor. Being talked over enough times gives you the strength to find your voice. And being screwed over enough times gives you the motivation to take your love life into your own hands. Sure, it’s easier in some ways to pity yourself and remain the “almost” girl, but when it comes down to it, you’ll never be happy until you can begin to take control of your own happiness. No, standing up for yourself won’t make all the men fall in love with you, but it’ll give you the courage to flirt, take chances, and pick your own suitors. If they like that about you, that says great things about their character. If they don’t, you don’t need a(nother) pussy in your life. You’ll start to realize that the people you were almost good enough for definitely aren’t good enough for you. Once you start to realize that you’re good enough–no, more than good enough–for yourself, then the rest just seems to fall into place..
This column was originally published on August 14, 2014.
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RecruitmentChairTSM
RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com
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