How To Dress Like You Have A Lot Of Money Even If You Don’t

Dress Like You Have Money

I’m not here to play around. I have exactly $28.14 in my checking account right now, and I’m dressed head to toe in J. Crew. I know what you’re all thinking, “What a spoiled little b-“ I’m going to stop you right there. I’ll have you know I’ve built up my award-winning closet on my own. Okay, I’ve saved the Lilly P’s and Patagonia’s for Christmas lists and birthday wishes, but otherwise I carry my own weight.

How do I do it?

Deals, b*tches. Deals, deals, and more deals. Here’s a list of the top ways to dress to the nines when you literally have nine dollars to your name.

1. Subscribe to your favorite stores’ websites.
I’ll have you know right here and now I am subscribed to every retailer I love and appreciate – from Victoria’s Secret to Nordstrom. Who’s having 50% off for 34 minutes next Tuesday? When does seven for $27 start and end? How many J. Crew vests do I need to buy to get the last one free?
I know all the answers, and it’s because I get little messages telling me when the best time to shop is.

2. Check websites like RetailMeNot and GoodSearch to find last-minute deals.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been checking out (online, of course) and I opened another tab with one of these websites only to find some random coupon code I could use, I could retire tomorrow. Seriously, it may work maybe two out of five times, but it’s so useful.

3. ALWAYS check for student discounts.
On the eighth day, God said, “Let there be student discounts, so all the girls can get paid to be going to college in the form of online shopping.” Sites like Unidays will give you every single retailer that has student discounts. And by the way, they’re f*cking amazing. We’re talking 10%, 15%, 20% off orders. It’s a beautiful thing.

4. Shop at outlets/factory stores.
There is nothing I love more than Nordstrom Rack, where designers have been discounted because poor Kate Spade crossbodies have been neglected in their former home, Mama Nordstrom. Now they’re here, and begging for you to buy them for 30% off. Another example, J. Crew Factory, has almost every J. Crew staple item from oxford button-downs to chinos, except they too have been discounted. It’s a wonderful world we live in.

5. Finally, if you don’t like something, RETURN IT.
I can’t tell you the amount of blonde bimbos I call my friends that have “just kept it” when something didn’t fit right or look flawless. Let me tell you something, if you’re planning on losing 10 pounds, wait to buy the size 2 until you actually fit into it. And if you buy it anyway and realize even if you lost 10 pounds you wouldn’t fit into it, because you’re 5’9″, then return it for the love of everything that is tasteful in fashion. Otherwise you might as well take that $12 and throw it out the window, because in theory that’s exactly what you’re doing.

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A current AXO at MU, she's got an ego bigger than her forehead, and an attitude to go with it. When she's not online shopping or trying to find a job that will impress her parents, you can find Michela (pronounced Mi-kayla) trying to convince people how to pronounce her name or dancing to ABBA in the communal shower.

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