How to Ensure You Will Be A MILF

One of my main goals in life is to become a MILF once I have kids. Now listen, I don’t want to have underage boys popping boners because of me (because I think that would make me a sex offender), but I do want the hot dads, and the boys over the age of 18 to be popping boners because of me.

Getting older is scary. We all the time are hearing “you’ll never look as good as you do right now,” or “wait until your tits drop after you have kids.” It seems there are all these negative connotations around getting older, but we do have one thing to look forward to. Becoming a badass MILF with a sweet minivan. There are some things that you need to start focusing on if you want to have a MILF-esque future, allow me.

Stop Having Sex With Jerks
I struggle with this concept in my early twenties, but if I break this habit now, I will ensure MILF status. Jerks have some kind of trance on me. Maybe one day I’ll grow out of my phase, I’ll have to because sex with jerks is a no-no if you want to be a well-respected mommy. MILFS are classy ladies, they know when it is appropriate to have sex and who it is appropriate to have sex with. You won’t see a well respected MILF banging a fuckboy. Ex: Mila Kunis.

If You Got It, Flaunt It
Be prepared to leave your slutty days behind you. Your boobs won’t always be that high, so you have to flaunt it while you can, and even when you are a mom, you can get away with the slight flaunt. You probably won’t be able to wear your daughter’s plunging V-neck body suits, but there is nothing wrong with a little cleavage under your Nike sports bra when you are at her volleyball game. It’s sporty. You got it. Flaunt it.

Get Your Own Clothes
When you are older, don’t steal your daughter’s clothes, she will end up hating you. We can apply this technique now by not stealing our friends’ clothes. Find your style and own it. And whatever you do. Don’t. Get. Mom jeans.

Know How to Cook
Keep those boobs pushed up and make some bomb ass shish-ka-bobs for your daughter and her friends during her 15th birthday party. Invite the parents (aka single dads) to come in for a taste, and leave the rest up to the taste buds. It’s so easy to become a good cook with all these Tasty videos on Facebook. Take advantage of this opportunity the internet gives you. Learn how to cook, be a MILF.

Post Selfies
Now don’t overkill. You don’t want to be “that mom” who wants more attention than her 14-year-old daughter. But everyone knows a good selfie can get one-upped by a cute mom-and-baby selfie. Utilize the baby gifts that MILF gods are giving you. Post selfies with your kids, or at your kids’ soccer games, making it not TOTALLY about yourself (even though it like, 95% is).

So now we have some major keys in regards to where out future might lead. Although, all this talk about kids, and babies, and cooking, and minivans makes me realize I never want kids. For now I’ll just stick to having sex with the jerks..