Of all the relationships that have been overhyped, the “high school sweetheart” takes the cake. Sure, we all know a random set of grandparents who fell in love in third grade and are still happily married. News flash: they couldn’t meet anyone else because it was 1945 and there was a war going on. Maybe they do have the real thing, but they are the exception, not the reality.
Most of the time, it sounds like an old, familiar nursery rhyme: “First comes high school sweetheart, second comes sober sex, third comes a trashy, rusty-wheeled baby carriage.” They tend to leave out what comes next, which is a courthouse marriage followed quickly by a courthouse divorce.
Anyway, now that you’re a pursuing a college education, it’s time to also pursue a clean slate. Time to cut the ties and let that nostalgic ship sail.
Step 1: Put all the physical shit that reminds you of him in a box somewhere. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT throw it away. You’ll want it someday in 10 years. Leave it at your parents’ house, which is where all your memories of him should remain.
Step 1.5: DO NOT have a good cry. I don’t know why experts say to “have a good cry and move on.” If you find yourself having a good cry, you’re certainly not moving on. Who even cries anymore? Cry on the inside like a winner.
Step 2: Go out and get some strange ass. Just kidding, but stay busy. I mean actually busy, not pretending to go through the motions. Find something you like to do, other than him (LOL). Recruit some help if you need it–force your big to take you out and drown your past in alcohol and new men.
Step 3: Fixate on a new guy. This step is essential, even if he’s someone you met, like, 10 minutes ago. Turn your attention to what he’s up to. If you’re a real power player, maybe fixate yourself on a few new guys. If no guys are around, you may use a celebrity or Netflix character. Except Tim Riggins, because he’s mine.
Step 4: Avoid social media that involves him. Do NOT do any emotional cutting, because it only leads to watching “Bridesmaids” and eating bottomless Chipotle. Believe me, I know from experience. Cut it out with the self-destructive behavior. I’m talking to you, girl who is listening to Taylor Swift’s “Last Kiss” on repeat.
Step 4.5: DO NOT rehash the reasons you broke up. The point is that you broke up and moved on to different chapters in your life. You wouldn’t want to review why you broke up with Hollister jeans, right? Right.
Step 5: Do not, after reading this, hatch a secret plan to get him back. Move on.
Steps 6 Through Infinity: Repeat step three until you meet a guy who is worth your time. He’s out there, probably doing a keg stand or studying hard in the law school library. All you have to do is keep your mind right and you’ll run into him out of nowhere. (If this fails, stalk him until you find his schedule.)
There are much better things to do in life than be stuck on someone who hasn’t even seen you at your best yet. Disclaimer: if you indeed did peak in high school, maybe you should go back up and live out that creepy nursery rhyme I told you. Otherwise, follow these steps and you’re sure to land a much better dude who doesn’t know everything about your upbringing.
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BlingleWhiteFemale
BlingleWhiteFemale (@BlingleWhiteFem) is a single blonde female who spends her days campaigning for First Lady. She is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move.
@blinglewhitefem
