You sit there, frozen, for something close to five minutes. Why do you always do this? Stalking him and all his friends back to their proms wasn’t enough? You HAD to look at his tagged photos, like a fucking glutton for punishment. But masochist, you must be, because there you are, finding something you didn’t really want to see. He’s leaning his forehead into hers. She’s laughing. And she wants the world to know:
“Always a good time with this guy.”
Her words dig into you like a knife. You can physically feel yourself unraveling as it reverberates in your head. “This guy….this guy…..this guy.”
Since as far back as you can remember, which due to alcohol consumption is about 2015, girls have been digitally branding men on social media with those two little words. They’re more than a title. She might as well have said “he has been inside of me no fewer than 35 times.” Calling him “this guy” basically serves to say “I can just call him ‘this guy,’ because he needs no name. Everyone in my life knows who he is, because we have claimed one another.”
And so what are you, other girl, left to do here? You’d never even DREAM of putting him on your Instagram. It’s too soon for that. Yet he’s out here making it unofficially official with some other skank, while you suck his dick on the side. So how do you deal with this? In these twelve simple steps.
Step 1: Drink
This is not really going to do anything to help with your plan in the long-run, but you seem like you need a drink, so you should probably drink.
Step 2: Exact Your Revenge
Now that you are drunk, you can put the whole plan in motion. It will seem insane when you’re sober, but if you start when you’re drunk, it will snowball into full-fledged action.
Step 3: Make Your Presence Known
Digitally, of course. You don’t really care about this other girl! You just want her to know you exist. Like he’s not really “this guy” if this girl is also in his life. Fucking dumbass. Start commenting on his pictures and bring out all the stops. Heart eye emojis. Kissy emojis. Inside jokes! She’ll be stalking you regularly in no time.
Step 4: Get Home Field Advantage
Invite him somewhere. Anywhere. Preferably a formal, but truthfully a party at your house will do just fine. Honestly, you’re not even above throwing a party just so he can come. You just need to get some one-on-one time with “this guy.”
Step 5: Fight This Guy With This Guy
Once you have him in the flesh, do whatever it takes to get a picture with him. Practice your pose beforehand, because he won’t stand around forever to get the perfect shot. Make sure your whole squad knows to be looking out for good candid opportunities. Then you post. And you “This Guy” him HARD.
Step 6: Realize She’s Still Winning
Her photo got more likes than yours did. You feel like a tryhard even having posted it. In fact, it’s not even a good picture. What the fuck are you doing. She’s in his Snapchat all the time. You are losing. You. Are. LOSING.
Step 7: Decide The Sidepiece Is The ACTUAL Winner
Sure, she may have him. But does she really? If he was happy with her, would he still text you once every three weeks? I think the fuck not! At least your relationship with him is honest. You know what’s up. This girl has no idea he’s fucking other girls on the side. Poor thing.
Step 8: Count Down The Days Until He Tells You He Has A Girlfriend
No matter how inevitable, this will still hit you like a truck. You knew he wasn’t going to be with you, but why does he have to be with HER? Her! The girl who it seemed pretty obvious he was going to end up with the whole time! The world is so cruel!
Step 9: Dick Hunt, Aggressively
Your only goal at this point is to find a new man, and face, to put all of your emotions onto. He serves two purposes: 1) he’s a distraction, and 2) he will let everyone know that you didn’t even care about “this guy” to begin with.
Step 10: Get Obsessed With New Guy
He was only supposed to serve as a decoy, but surprise! You’re in love all over again. How the hell did this happen? Maybe you shouldn’t have fucked him so soon. I wonder what he’s up to on Instagram.
Step 11: Repeat Process Until You Die
You thought this was going to have a happy ending? You, my friend, are a sucker..