Spring semester is upon us, and we all know what that means — your mom finally stops asking you about the mysterious charges on her credit card in favor of discussing what kind of internship you’ll find for the summer.
Ideally, the perfect internship involves you going to Instagram-worthy business events, staying in a kick ass city, and partying with a cool yet industry-connected #girlboss, whose professional philosophy is that nothing is truly complete without a glass of Rosé (or five). Your boss would also supply an unlimited selection of designer clothes, an amazing apartment where you could stay rent-free and be totally chill with you wanting to arrive at noon and leave by two. Since this is a fantasy, you also have a very committed boyfriend who never watches porn and surprises you with a puppy and engagement ring at the end of the summer.
That’s right. That “dream internship” is a total joke. Apparently, real internships aren’t all innocent day drinking and lounging around in designer clothes while meeting cool people who work in whatever field you want to be in. The best industry party you will attend is the company’s annual family picnic and the coolest person you’ll meet is your boss’s boss. Being a real intern is basically like being someone’s servant. It’s like pledging a fraternity, but without the mixers, parties, or day drinking.
It’s the worst. It destroys any chance of visiting your little, reduces your tanning potential, and laughs in the face of your whirlwind summer romance plans. We do them, though, because internships are probably necessary for finding a job one day, or so strangers keep telling us. They pad your résumé, make you seem qualified, and convince unsuspecting potential employers that just because you skipped sixty percent of your calc class and were hungover at the other forty doesn’t mean you’re lazy. You clearly already know percentages, so going would have been a waste of time.
So, to appease our parents and maybe help us find jobs one day, here’s how to get yourself a banging internship.
The first step to getting any internship is, obviously, to lie. If you’re anything like me, you joined one club freshman year that would have related heavily to your major, if you hadn’t changed it yet. But you didn’t, so time to work those “creative problem-solving skills” you claim to possess. To help collaborate these lies, list your sisters as fake references. Just make sure to list the ones who have no problem pretending that not accepting a shot from a creepy stranger counts as advocating for SADD (Students Against Destructive Decisions).
At this point, you’ll probably have to keep up the appearance of internship hunting somehow. Look up random companies that you “applied to” and can name drop when your parents ask. Maybe even send your résumé around a little, hopefully on scented paper, à la Elle Woods. Or better yet, ask your parents to float your résumé around the office. Believe me, parents love nepotism.
Once your mostly-false-but-very-impressive résumé scores you an interview, call your mom to brag. Then ask her to send you money because you’re definitely gonna need a much nicer, more professional wardrobe if you want to actually get hired. And a visit to the salon to fix your roots. And get a manicure. And facial.
You will nail the interview and be offered the job because you’ve done recruitment exercises thousands of times. You can politely converse, smile, and fake-laugh your way into anyone’s heart. It doesn’t matter how dull an interviewer is, it will never be worse than the time you were stuck talking to a PNM about how she couldn’t choose between sandals or wedges for fifteen minutes.
And if you don’t? Well, you tried and failed, and now, you can pull the “Mom, you just don’t understand. The interviewer was so mean and belittled everything I’ve accomplished. It’s like he didn’t understand how much attention to detail is required to tweeze the perfect eyebrow arch! I had to buy myself that Michael Kors purse just to feel human again!” all summer long.
Happy job hunting!.
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