As Mindy Kaling once so eloquently stated, “if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” And she’s right, because when you find that right person, you know, “the one,” you don’t want to let them go. You want to spend forever with them, want to be eternally bound, want to say those words “’til death do us part” and suffocate them with your love whether they fucking want it or not.
Unfortunately for the hopeless romantics of the world, aka the only people who want to get married, aka women, tricking someone into marrying you is pretty frowned upon. I mean, we lie about what our real faces look like, so I don’t understand why fibbing about charitable work and liking children is a big deal, but apparently it’s a big no-no. Coercion or some shit like that. So, since we can’t trap the poor bastards or, you know, drug them, we have to make them think that marriage is fun and in no way soul crushing. We have to make them think that they want to be with us forever and ever and ever until kingdom come — and that’s a big feat. We have to make them think that marriage is not simply a good idea, we have to make them think that marriage is their idea. Which means, ladies, that we have to play this game of love savvily. We have to play this game of trickery, lies, and deception like our lives fucking depend on it — and they do. Because, remember, winners get diamonds and losers die alone.
Pin Like You’ve Pinned Before
Actually, don’t limit yourself to Pinterest. Odds are, your man doesn’t even know what the fuck that is, anyway. Rather than waste countless hours staring at food you wish you could eat and crafts that are now perfectly created by girls you used to drunkenly make out with for attention (read: kindergarten teachers), step away from the computer and move toward the magazines. It’s a much better use of your time to rip out any and all photos of rings and plaster them everywhere. Everywhere. Your house, his house, his car, his boss’ desk, his favorite bar, where he keeps his porn, etc. You just pin those photos (on a physical wall, not an internet one — we’ve gone over this already) “Hoarders” style and wait for him to notice. Nothing says true love quite like a photo of a three carat diamond attached to the urn containing his grandmother’s ashes. And remember, if it’s below two carats, he doesn’t love you. If his entire life savings is located on your left hand, he can literally never leave you. #logic
Give Him Head. A Lot Of Head
It sucks, I know. But once he proposes, you’ll never have to do it again. It’s a small price to pay.
Cry A Lot
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Stop what you are doing right now and start crying. Do not stop crying until you have three six months of his salary on that bony, manicured ring finger.
A risky little game, some might say. But I’m not “some.” Yes, I’m “some”one who wants to get married, but I’m not “some”body who thinks that this is morally wrong. Lying about being pregnant in order to get a ring is pretty fucked. But actually getting pregnant? Totally okay. If you can sacrifice your vagina, he can sacrifice his life marital status.
Tell Everyone He Has A Small Penis
Yes, it sucks to be pitied, and you obviously don’t want to spend your life with everyone thinking “that poor girl with the husband who has a thumb sized dick,” but let me ask you a question: would you rather be pitied or married? If everyone thinks he has a miniature member, no other lady will want him, which means he’ll have no choice but to settle for you. Problem solved.