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How To Have Fun And Never Get Called To Standards Again

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Being in a sorority has a ton of perks. There’s a test bank in the secret study closet (JK nationals, that totally doesn’t exist), plenty of guys find us fascinating, and there’s always something to do basically every single night of the week with sisters who love us. Being in a sorority is pretty much the dream, except for one small, little, bitch-faced thing: standards.

Standards, while actually a very important aspect of a chapter, is kind of a downer. This group’s job is to tell you to make wise choices, drink water instead of vodka, and basically stop having fun. So, while I’m all about these ladies keeping your organization from falling apart (because that is basically what their job entails) I also want to be sure you have the time of your life. So, here are a few secrets that your standards chair doesn’t want you to know that will help you get away with just about anything.

  1. Hide a flask in your Spanx. (This gives you a great excuse to wear Spanx. You can tell your date that you’re doing it for him, but really, it’s just for the fact that you can look three sizes smaller while also saving money on drinks).
  2. If you are going through a metal detector, invest in a plastic flask.
  3. Or a hand sanitizer container cleaned out and filled with alcohol (works like a charm).
  4. The standards members who tell the chapter not to pregame are the same ones who are drunk out of their minds at said pregame.
  5. A “dry” event doesn’t necessarily mean “don’t drink.” It just means “don’t get caught.”
  6. If you’re friends with the standards chair, you can get away with anything.
  7. ANYTHING.
  8. Mints and eye drops will save you almost every time.
  9. Sneaking boys into the house at night isn’t off limits if you have helpful roommates.
  10. Only attempt this when most of the house is occupied either by a social event, a football game, or the fact that it is 2 a.m. on a Monday.
  11. If you successfully sneak alcohol into an event and go to the bathroom to pour it into your cup, go all the way into a stall and close the door. Trust me.
  12. Shots seem like the easiest way to sneak drinks, but if you make a show of knocking it back, there’s no way you’ll get away with it.
  13. Don’t post pictures of the pregame, at the pregame, with the hashtag #pregame, before arriving at the event.
  14. If you commonly have that “drunk eye” look, find an excuse to wear sunglasses, or at least fake glasses. It will put a barrier between you and judgment.
  15. Picture or it didn’t happen goes both ways. If you’re going to break the rules, make sure there’s no evidence.
  16. Or at least make sure there’s no evidence posted to social media.
  17. “No drinking in the house” means “if you’re drinking in the house, lock your door, be quiet, and get rid of the evidence ASAP–and not in the house’s dumpster.”
  18. If someone on standards asks if you’re hungover, the answer is always no.
  19. Same for if they ask if you pregamed.
  20. If you’re a “sober monitor,” blowing the smoke with Mary Jane before the event is easier to get away with than sucking on Jack Daniel’s.
  21. Nothing makes a band on an underaged wrist unnoticeable quite like confidence and a Michael Kors watch.
  22. The house mom can’t really do much when it comes to punishments. She may seem scary, but it all comes down to your exec group.
  23. The girls on exec break almost every single rule that they enforce.
  24. So join them, befriend them, or enjoy getting in trouble for anything and everything. Let’s be real, though–you probably deserved it.

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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