How To Karaoke And Not Embarrass The Shit Out Of Yourself

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Karaoke is a part of life, much like peanut butter. And, just like peanut butter, the goal in karaoke is to blend in with the other ingredients, but still manage to stand out. When singing karaoke, your goal is to get everyone to join in and have a good time, but still have your Beyoncé moment in the spotlight. It’s a perfect opportunity to showcase your charisma and skills. Don’t have a good voice? Not the point. People are singing, dancing, and wondering if they’re going to get drunk enough to send some texts they’ll regret the next day. You might meet the love of your life or even cross the bar for a guy–now that’s commitment. Just remember, nobody goes to karaoke sober (unless you have a cultural tie to it).

Here are some go-to karaoke songs. Think of them as Chapstick–you should always keep them on you, ready to pull out at any time.

A word to the wise: no karaoke filibusters. Don’t pick a super long song that nobody knows except for you. It’ll be you and the mic for six minutes and I’m falling asleep thinking about it.

“I Will Survive” (Gloria Gaynor): Here it is. You’re not completely over him, but you’re on the up and up, and a nice karaoke rendition of this is just what you need to get over that mountain. And, oh look, there it is. Next stop: Makeout City.

Beyoncé Moment: “And now I’m savin’ all my lovin’ for someone who’s lovin’ me…Go on now go, walk out the door…”

“Our Song” (Taylor Swift): Your crush is in the room! It’s perfect. You’re all out having fun and what’s more fun than karaoke? Maybe flash a little hair flip and a playful smile in his direction. He’ll think, as he smiles to himself, “She’s so cute and playful with her hair and that dress–just so down to Earth.”

Beyoncé Moment: “Because it’s late and his mama don’t know…”

“You’re So Vain” (Carly Simon): You probably think this article is about you. As we learned in “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days,” this song is both sexy and sends a message. I mean, it’s NOT about YOU–I have the microphone. It’s about ME. And, like, stop fucking replying to my text messages with “K.”

Beyoncé Moment: “You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht…”

“Before He Cheats” (Carrie Underwood): This is a really great angry, post-breakup song–or, you know, good for when he hasn’t texted you back, too. It also works if your hookup is flirting with another girl in the room–this song guarantees you’ll get his attention. It’s an easy range to sing, so if you can’t hit the notes like Whitney or Jennifer Hudson, you can still achieve that angry girl style.

Beyoncé moment: “The next time that he cheats, oh, you know it won’t be on me…”

“Wannabe” (Spice Girls): This is best for singing in groups. Everyone can pick a Spice Girl. You obviously want to be Posh or Baby, but the plus side of being Scary is that you get to do the rap part. Thug lyfe. This song is great, because everyone in the room knows it and who doesn’t love Girl Power? There’s also plenty of space for drunk hip shaking and shimmying.

Beyoncé moment: The rap part

“Love Is A Battlefield” (Pat Benatar): This is an end of the night song, and it’s perfect for when you’re in the mood to rock out. Reenact that scene from “13 Going on 30” by dancing on the bar. The bouncer might ask you to get off, but stand your ground, girl. Karaoke is a battlefield.

Beyoncé moment: “We are young! Heartache to heartache we stand…”

“Semi Charmed Life” (Third Eye Blind): This is great when you’re hanging out with a mixed group and you don’t want to request yet another Britney song. It’s actually kind of fast, but it’s okay because it won’t be hard to get the whole room to sing along with you. It’s also a good choice if you’re in a good place–I think the song is about living a charmed life, so it would be sooo meta of you. This song is way dirtier than we remembered growing up, but that just makes it more fun.

Beyoncé moment: “doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo…”

“Sometimes” (Britney Spears): This is a sweet classic. Sing it to your crush and then run away. See if he gets the hint. You can’t lose with Britney on your side.

Beyoncé moment: “If you love me, trust in me, the way that IIIIIIII trust in you…”

“Irreplaceable” (Beyoncé): Talk about passion! Still in the first stages of heartbreak? You’re not quite at the mad stage. You’re still just mending, but you know you need to move on. Well, here you go, girl. You’re on the road to recovery. Sing it with everything you have in you and get it, girl. Plus, you can make a great Tinder reference, too: “To the left to the left, everyone on Tinder in a box to the left.” (You can use that. You’re welcome.)

Beyoncé Moment: The whole song, duh.

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Caring too much about not caring, fuck, I'm blackout. Follow Mel and Teresa at @melowens and @leresatee.

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