How To Pick A Bikini That Doesn’t Make You Look Like A Tool

Bikini Tool

We have a week left in what I believe we can all agree has been a really damn cold February. As if enduring a hellish winter that gave us a polar vortex and “Atlanta on Ice” wasn’t enough, a rodent, made internationally famous by Bill Murray, proclaimed winter would continue to piss us off until the end of March. Fucking March. Thanks, Phil.

The weather may be blowing it, but let’s not let wine shortages and cross-country trekking to class ruin the mood. I know I just ripped March a new one, but I’m nothing if not a relentless optimist. Knowing what I was like in college, I feel safe assuming that the bulk of you have spent a good amount of time trying to convince your parents that spring break in Mexico is “so totally safe” and that $3,000 is a small price to pay for a ballin’ tan, gratuitous Instagram pictures, and raging hangovers you’ll get from the experience.

Armed with this knowledge, let’s get down to the most important piece of the spring break ’14 puzzle: the swimsuit. Some of you are probably Type-A and have been carefully hunting for the perfect bikini since Halloween, but for those of you who work within a much smaller time frame, I’m here to help. Bikini? Monokini? Handkerchief bikini? Fringe? Brazilian cut? Jesus, I need a cocktail just thinking of all the choices, and I aged out of spring break three years ago.

First, consider where you’re headed. Playa? Gulf Shores? Hilton Head? You wouldn’t wear an Hervé Léger dress to brunch in Palm Beach (I hope) just like you wouldn’t wear a J. Crew sundress for a night out in Vegas. The same goes with bikinis.

Next, you’ll want to think about who you’re traveling with. Is it a girls’ trip or a 300-person exodus to PCB? Guys couldn’t care less about fashion-forward clothes unless they make your tatas or booty look good. Unless you’re hitting the beach with the intention of becoming the next viral #WhatShouldWeCallMe GIF, it might not be the time to rock that adventurous gold lamé monokini with fringe that you saw on Kate Upton. You are not, and never will be, Kate Upton.

Finally, and at the perilous risk of sounding like my mom, think about the pictures. For the love of all that is holy, think about the pictures that will be taken. Do you honestly want your boyfriend’s mom’s sister to see your ass cheeks daintily covered in sand? It might be link bait on Facebook and Instagram, but take it from someone who knows: it’s a long, shameful process to go back and untag all those pictures before your mom/boss/boyfriend/grandma sees them. And trust me, they’re all on Facebook whether you know it or not.

Thank me later.

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social media manager by day, grown up sorority girl by night.

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