How To Pretend Like You Don’t Hate Everyone At This Party

You can never fit too many girls on one table. TSM.

It’s finally the weekend and everyone is excited. TGIF, right? Wrong. Yes, the weekend means no classes and sleeping in, but it also means being dragged into social interactions. Yuck! You could just stay in with your friends, but that’s kind of frowned upon. Plus, there’s no one to make out with in your apartment. So once again, you have to put on makeup and drag yourself out to places where people you don’t particularly care for are also going to. You don’t mind going out, in fact you enjoy it. It would just be more fun if there were only strangers, or maybe no people at all. But when you run into the undesirables, there is a way to make it seem as if your RBF is just your face and not a direct result of the people around you.

1. Greet Them Like Your Long Lost Cousin

Upon direct eye contact, squeal like a pig that’s being branded. You want to get the entire block to stop and turn their heads to see how excited you are to see everyone. Put Vaseline on your teeth like Miss America to keep yourself smiling through the treacherous encounter. If you don’t cover up your stench of hatred, you will be sniffed out in seconds.

2. Profusely Compliment Their Outfit

Jessica literally looks like a streetwalker, but you will never let her know that. Give her a blanket compliment like she looks “awesome” or “hot,” or pick out a detail you can manage to appreciate, like the color. Resist the urge to say something like “I would never be able to pull something off like that” because first of all, yes you could, and second of all, you would never want to. So you’re just lying.

3. Take A Picture With Them

Nothing says friendship like capturing the moment of you two sucking in until you are blue in the face while hiding your drinks behind each other’s back. This simple gesture proves that not only do you enjoy this person’s presence, but you also want to document the fact that you two were in the same place at one point in time.

4. Keep Phone Time To A Minimum

Texting or tweeting at a party is a dead giveaway that you would rather be anywhere in the world than with these insufferable people. Check how many likes you got on Instagram (even though you should really wait until the next morning to capitalize on likes) and put it away. You can talk to the one person you like all night, just as long as people see you having human interaction.

5. Make Future Plans

“We should toooootally hang out!” will suffice. Show interest, but never make actual plans. That way, no one can say you didn’t try, even if you didn’t want to. The longer the “totally,” the less likely you are actually going to meet up.

6. Go To The Bathroom And Bitch With Your Best Friends

About halfway through the party, retreat to the safe space that is the bathroom and take a moment to unleash the anger that you have bubbling up. Talk about Jessica’s outfit, because for some reason nobody else is, and make sure that what you said came across as sarcastic, even though you really meant to be low key rude.

7. Leave Without Telling Anyone

At this point, you have probably exhausted yourself. You’ve feigned enough greetings and casual socializing to reward yourself with a goodbye-less goodbye. Not only did you survive, but you thrived. Go home and rest up for next weekend. You’ll need it.

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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