While it’s natural to want a guy who is handsome, successful, and well-dressed, it seems that the best candidates are usually either taken, or fucking everything with a hole and a heartbeat. Your best bet is to do a little investment dating. Buy low, sell high. I’m pretty sure that is something men say to mean, it’s ok to date a guy who’s not currently Mr. Perfect, as long as you see the potential for him to become perfect. And who doesn’t love a little game of flip that boyfriend? It’s ok to date a guy who starts out with no direction, if you’re confident you can eventually direct him to his CPA. If he’s funny, smart, and has a cute face, what’s the big deal if you start inviting him to work out with you, and accidentally trick him into eating the healthy foods you cooked? And honestly, who among us hasn’t found a guy who didn’t have a clue about how to dress himself until we came along? I have single-handedly completely revamped the wardrobes of every boyfriend I’ve ever had, and turned average guys into someone I could show off. It would be nice if they were great at this on their own, but this is no doubt the easiest thing to change about a guy, and he doesn’t even have to know it’s happening.
Phase 1: Get to know him, get to know his wardrobe.
You can’t just jump in right off the bat and start changing things about what he wears. Believe it or not, it can come as a big shock to a person to hear that “you look like the ‘before’ version of Steve Carell in Crazy, Stupid Love and you’re an embarrassment to me, yourself, and the hard-working, American models, who are out there starving themselves for us every single day, and I refuse to stand idly by and let their < 500 calorie per day diets go in vain.” You have to go slowly. You have to gain his trust. And mostly, you have to evaluate exactly what it is about his wardrobe that is so atrocious, and come up with a game plan. Figure out what changes need to be made, and which will be the easiest to fix.
You don’t want to begin with a drastic change. Men have this false belief that they are “individuals,” and that they “like” their clothes. They’re wrong on both counts. Everyone knows that your boyfriend is your property and everyone knows that they don’t “like” their clothes. Guys couldn’t give a shit less about their clothes either way, they just already own their clothes, and don’t want to be told that they were wrong about them all along. Guys don’t like to be wrong, which is astounding, since they’re so good at it.
Phase 2: Start small, and become a teacher.
You have to start with the smallest thing to change. This could be anything from the length of his socks to the fit, color, or patterns of their shirts. A lot of guys have the right idea: khakis or jeans and a collared shirt, but it can still go horribly wrong, which is what they don’t realize. Fit is a great starting off point, because it makes all the difference in the world. Ill-fitting clothing is the easiest way to make a guy look sloppy and poorly dressed, but it’s so easy to fix without offending them. Too many guys are afraid to wear their clothing too tight, so instead, they wear it too baggy. They neglect to realize that just like it does to a woman, baggy clothing will make them look shapeless and frumpy. The reason it’s an easy fix, is because fit is a smaller difference to them than style.
You have to approach him on the matter, because you want him to learn, but tread lightly. Make it seem like a compliment: “You know I think that shirt would look great in a smaller size. You have such a masculine figure, so I know it’s so tough to get a shirt big enough for your super broad shoulders, but I bet a different cut would look amazing.” Just throw in those macho words, and while he’ll be a little uncomfortable, keep pretending it’s a compliment. Offer to pick up the new cut or size for him, and present it as if it’s a positive addition to his wardrobe rather than a substitution to make sure he’s not resistant. You’ll probably have to buy the first few items for him yourself, because he’s not going to care enough to do it on his own, but that’s fine, and you’ll do it if this is important to you, and it should be important to you.
Phase 3: Make the change permanent, without making it seem like a scary absolute.
When you’re making a switch, don’t let him know you’re trying to change something about him. Make him think it’s something he can come back from if he doesn’t like it. Allow him to believe that this is his choice. That’s how all good manipulation is done: by making him think it was his idea. Tell him you picked something up for him that is “just his style, just in a better size,” even though it’s not his style at all. See? He’ll think he’s condoning this. Make sure to let him know that if he doesn’t like what you’ll soon be forcing him to wear, you’ll return it for him. Then, convince him that he doesn’t want you to bring it back, using sex.
“Babe!!!! You’re a STUD!” He’ll get giddy, and start flexing or something in the mirror, which is the male equivalent of dancing in the dressing room when you really love a new dress you’re trying on. Keep the compliments flowing. Touch him as if you’re sooo curious what his new clothes feel like on his body. Spoiler alert, they feel like cotton. Just act really turned on, and initiate sex. He will literally be fooled into believing that the clothing, and not your sick, twisted brain, is what got you going. It will make him associate his new gear with confidence. He’ll feel good every time he wears the new choices you made for him, and he’ll start gravitating toward them, naturally. You really have to take a Pavlov’s dogs approach here, and remember to reward nice clothing with praise of his masculinity, and your body vagina every time. I know you don’t think he’ll fall for it, because women aren’t typically aroused just by looking at something, but he doesn’t know that. You’re going to have to repeat this process with each change you make, until making proper apparel choices becomes habit for him.
Phase 4: Phase out the old clothes.
Now that all of the new clothes he’s wearing are things you approve of, it’s time to complete his wardrobe transformation by getting rid of the stuff he had before you knew him. He might be wearing mostly good pieces, like a nice, rear-hugging pair of khakis, but then pairing them with something stupid like a horizontally striped polo (yikes). Of course, for most items, you’ll be able to say, “this is old,” “you don’t really wear this any more,” or “this doesn’t fit you right,” during a closet purge, and he probably won’t even notice what you’re getting rid of for the most part. However, he might get wise, or unwilling to part with a few things. I don’t really condone ruining his old clothes, but you may have to occasionally “not be able to get a stain out” of his light-wash jeans, or find a “hole” in the tacky short-sleeved button down he doesn’t want to part with. You might even decide to steal some things as “shacker clothes.” Get creative. This can be a lengthy process, but the more new clothes he has and loves, the less connected he’ll feel to his old stuff. You’re going to have to do a lot of shopping for him in between purchasing hundreds of dollars of merchandise for yourself, but this is honestly the best way to get him used to lending him you his credit card, anyway, so don’t skimp out on making big purchases the first few times, so it’s definitely a good investment.
Voila! That’s all you have to do! You now have a guy who mostly knows how to put together an outfit you approve of, but more importantly looks like someone you’re not embarrassed to be toting around. Just don’t get dumped, because nothing’s worse than getting a 6 and releasing an 8 back into the world. Godspeed.
- Image via IMDb
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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