How to Sabotage Your Relationship

Sometimes you wind up in a relationship by accident. It’s like one minute, you’re really bored and single, and then all of a sudden you’ve been seeing a guy pretty exclusively for a few months and he’s your boyfriend. These relationships are so sneaky because they’re mainly just convenience; your boyfriend could literally be any other guy in the world, you just happened to wind up with this one. You don’t LOVE him, but you like him, and you respect him. This “relationship” can carry on for any amount of time, especially when it’s evident he likes you about 25 times more than you like him. The worst thing about this relationship is that it’s nearly impossible to end without seeming like a huge bitch. First of all, your boyfriend is, more than likely, a good guy, which is why you wound up seeing him in the first place. Second of all, he’s done nothing wrong, and neither have you, you are just simply OVER IT. While it might seem like an easy fix to say, “just end it then,” that is so not an option. When you’re dating a perfectly nice guy who seems perfect on paper and to everyone around you, it’s not exactly easy to just tell everyone you were not interested in him from the get go. The only viable option at this point is to strategically sabotage the relationship.

Relationship sabotage is difficult because it needs to be perfectly calculated and carried out in order to work to both of your benefits. The main goal is to do so much wrong that your boyfriend is FORCED to break up with you, but not so much wrong that anyone sees the breakup as justifiable. Ultimately, if executed correctly, sabotaging your own relationship will give you the upper hand, because you’ll be the one who gets broken up with and everyone pities. Also, you put yourself in the position to play victim and expose your ex as the terrible heartbreaker he really isn’t. You win.

Here are some Dos and Don’ts of Sabotaging Your Mediocre Relationship:

DO: Slightly start to shift your crazy toward the psycho end of the spectrum.
When you first started dating, you were so laid back and lovable. Now’s the time to start creeping in on the psycho end of the scale. Get overly suspicious about every text he gets. Whenever he takes a phone call, stand next to him with a quizzical look on your face, mouthing “who is it?” When he mouths back, “MY MOTHER,” refrain from your previous response of smiling and waving, indicating your greeting to his mom. Instead, give him a skeptical glance and walk away shaking your head. This is perfect, because when he hangs up the phone, he’ll go insane trying to figure out who you thought it was. This sets up the perfect accusatory scenario. Lying also works really well. Telling him you heard he was hanging out with the girl in your rival sorority through numerous sources is a great way to have him flip out and call you crazy. Extra points if you can start crying (I’m so good at the fake cry).
Why It Works: These scenarios are not too far-fetched after the breakup. When people ask what went wrong, he will just say, “she’s crazy.” However, you can tell everyone, “he started getting so sketchy about his phone…he would like, check his text messages in secret and leave the room to take every phone call. Also, I heard he was hanging out with some other girl, so it all made sense, and when I calmly approached him about it, he just kept calling me crazy.” Poor you.

DO: Become increasingly attentive/increasingly distant. Just pick one.
If you have always been laid back and laissaiz faire, nothing will freak a guy out more than jumping into being the over-bearing, overly attentive girlfriend. Double, no, TRIPLE, the number of texts you send him every day. My personal favorite is the 4:1 ratio of texts to responses. Start texting him about EVERYTHING. I one time sent the following string of texts to a guy I was over: “OMG! Soooo happy! I ordered a triple venti but I’m pretty sure they gave me a FOURTH shot of espresso!” (no response) “OMG! I just saw these two CUTE little squirrels running around a tree, reminded me of us! HOPE YOUR DAY IS GREAT!” (no response…I wonder why). “OMG. It’s like…can this lecture be ANY more boring? It hasn’t started yet, but I can just feel it’s going to be awful.” (no response). “WHY AREN’T YOU TALKING TO ME!? OMG. BYE FOREVER.” (response of, “um…hey…?”). On the other hand, if you two usually communicate regularly, it’s always great to just start ignoring him. I one time just didn’t text this guy I was seeing for 3 days. He thought I dropped off the face of the earth. After he finally figured out where I was/what I was doing, I started flipping out on him for being so controlling, ie, “LAST TIME I CHECKED, I DIDN’T HAVE TO OKAY EVERY MOVE I MADE WITH YOU.” He looked bewildered. Whatever.
Why It Works: You’re essentially assigning him to a new position in the relationship, and confusing the hell out of him. If he’s not generally used to hearing from you so frequently, he’s going to get freaked out by the relationship. He’s going to tell everyone you’re too clingy, but you can simply lie and say, “he said he wanted to be more serious, but then got scared.” Otherwise, you can tell everyone he was taking things way too fast/being way too controlling.

DON’T: Cheat.
The goal is to come out the winner, not the huge slut, you idiot.

DON’T: Enlighten anyone on your plans, or ask anyone for help.
All it takes is for a well-intentioned bestie to accidentally let it slip that you’re trying to break up with your average boyfriend, and all is lost.

DON’T: Convince yourself that you should stay in the relationship just because he’s a nice guy.
You deserve to be absolutely thrilled with your relationship, not just content.

DO: Take my advice.
I am the queen of all crazy, you’d be stupid not to.


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