There are few places on Earth worse than a fraternity bathroom. They are old, covered in questionable substances, smell like bad choices, and guaranteed to make you regret every decision that lead you to be in such a place. I wish I could find a redeeming quality, but some things, like recruitment or Everclear, are necessary for life yet still inherently terrible. However, with the proper technique and practice, you may be able to make it out unscathed.
Step 1: Locate Bathroom
Just like a good outfit, it’s best to start with the basics. Before you begin your excursion to this dangerous land, make sure you are, in fact, going to the bathroom and not some obscure closet or some poor person’s bedroom.
Step 2: Designate A Buddy
Please, please find a friend before you go to the bathroom. If you are drunk enough to be risking your physical and mental health to go to the restroom, you probably need an escort to go with you. And after all, nothing solidifies a friendship quite like watching one another use the restroom and having a mini heart-to-heart while mid-pee.
Step 3: Wait In Line
Do not start a fight. I repeat: do not start a fight. I know that those bitches in front of you have been in the bathroom for, like, five whole minutes, but you really don’t want to be kicked out of a party for punching (read: saying a passive-aggressive comment to) someone. While waiting, you can always take the time to learn a new language, finish your undergraduate and graduate degrees, or hibernate for a few months. Get comfortable, because you may be there for a while.
Step 4: Lock The Door
If you follow only one of these steps, let it be this one. There are no words to describe the terror induced when you are doing your business, only to be interrupted by a drunken stranger who will probably run away in fear, leaving the door hanging wide open. Unless you want the entire party to see your lady parts (I mean, no judgment), lock the damn door.
Step 5: Do Whatever You Need To Do, But Carefully
Now that you are in the bathroom, you can do what you went there for. This seems to be a good time to mention that you should consider wearing closed toed shoes. It’s a mystery to me, but every frat bathroom that I’ve visited has become a borderline lake of unidentifiable liquid. To avoid contracting an infectious disease, I recommend closed-toed shoes and/or a small floatation device. Also, remember to always BYOT: bring your own tampons.
Step 6: Wash Hands, Check Makeup, And Wait For Your Buddy
Another phenomenon of a fraternity bathroom is the lack of soap. Now, I’m not saying that it has to be a full-blown Bath and Body Works store, but human decency suggests that every bathroom should come with sufficient soap. However, frat boys are immune to decency, so it’s best to also BYOHS: bring your own hand sanitizer.
Step 7: Leave
Congratulations! You’ve survived your trip to hell and back. Reward yourself with a nice, refreshing drink to wash away the horrible memories of your excursion. And then repeat the whole process in forty-five minutes..
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