How To: Win a Fight With Your Boyfriend, Every Time

I have this knack for winning every argument, and I tend to feel like if you’re a girl and you lose an argument with your boyfriend, you’re an idiot. It can’t be a good feeling, though I don’t have much experience with it. Maybe the problem is most girls just go crazy when they’re fighting, and though I’m normally a huge proponent of crazy, if you want to win an argument, it doesn’t work in your favor. You need to be, for one time in your life, rational. Realize what the situation is, and cater to it and fight differently. There are four general reasons why you might be fighting with your boyf.

He did something wrong

If he did something wrong, there is no reason on good God’s green earth you should be losing this argument. Girls who end up apologizing when he did something wrong absolutely bewilder me. The woman is supposed to always be right. That’s just the way it is. And if he somehow turns it around so that he’s always right, and you apologize for him cheating on you…you’ve got a problem, and you need a dumber boyfriend…one who matches your level a little better. And also one who isn’t such a skeez.

He’s just mad and taking it out on you

Let him vent, because if he needs to vent, you should be there for him…but if he for some reason thinks he’s ACTUALLY mad at you, set his ass straight by calling him out on what’s really going on in his head…because you are smart. You know everything. And it’s not hard for you to figure out what’s really bothering him. Once you draw his attention to this, you can explain that his over-reaction has nothing to do with your perfect little self, because it doesn’t, it should spark an adult conversation, where he tells/agrees with you (maybe still with a great deal of anger) what’s really on his mind, and you can be there to listen, and offer up a sandwich and a BJ to make him feel better once he’s calmed. If he continues to be an asshole and refuses to acknowledge that something’s bothering him like a grown-up, you may need to fight dirty with dirty and pull the ole “Really? I thought you were a man. You’re really bitching like a little girl because I picked up yellow American instead of white? I can’t even deal with this. Call me when you’re done being a baby.” Sure it will make him more mad in the moment, but it’s only because what you’re saying is true. After you let it fester for a little, he’ll realize there is actually no WAY, he’s being a basketcase for over something so small. He’s not actually an emotional guy, and once he realizes his behavior is out of character, he’ll turn it around to his typical no-fucks-given attitude fast. You can accept his “whatever” as an apology, and expect him to be his jovial self shortly.

You’re just mad and taking it out on him

Let the games begin. If you’re an expert at the game, you can do your best to convince him that you are legitimately upset about the fact that he drank the last Diet Coke, and now all you have is regular which like…eww, you’d never drink. It’s not hard to throw some sort of bitch fit about how he should have really saved it for you, because he knows you get headaches from caffeine withdrawal, and it was totally inconsiderate because the calories from a regular soda have such a small effect on him, but you have to make the decision between near-migraine, and one less drink at the bar, which means you won’t get drunk, which means you might as well just stay in, and it’s Cindy’s 21st birthday, and you two have bad blood ever since you were voted to represent your chapter for Greek Goddess and she really wanted it, so now your pledge class is going to stay divided if you don’t go, so the choices are for you to blimp up to 500 pounds or your entire sisterhood will suffer. See. Easy. Personally though, I’m kind of over all that, and as soon as I realize I’m just being emotional, I prefer to just fess up with the tears that were bound to come out anyway and tell him the truth: “I’m sorry, I know I’m being a bitch, and you’re fantastic, it’s totally not your fault, but I’m just on my period/had a fight with my mom/upset because Kimmy’s being a bitch/did really poorly on a test/etc.” The latter option might not feel like a “win” for some who have an aversion to giving away apologies, but I think it’s the best solution. In the long run, your relaysh will be stronger if you admit your faults, and honestly they normally don’t stay mad at you for being a psycho if you admit you were being a psycho.

You Did Something Wrong

This is of course the hardest thing to get out of, because first of all, you fucked up. I really try and make an effort in my daily life, and particularly with boys to not do something shitty to them. If they’re upset by something you did, and you don’t feel you did something wrong, you just need to do your best to prove to him that you had no mal-intent and didn’t realize he’d get upset. Howwweever, if you fucked up and you deserve his anger, then your second strike is that you got caught. Sure, it’s absolutely normal to spy through his facebook messages when he accidentally stays logged in, every girl in the world is doing the EXACT same thing, and you know that, and so it doesn’t feel like you did something that bad, but his brothers don’t know their facebooks are being hacked on the reg, so to him, it looks like you really fucked up. SO immediately bringing it to his attention that you know there’s going to be a stripper at the house because you read his inbox is maybe not the best tactic. The key here is do NOT get angry at him for being angry at you. You will lose your head, and it’s a sure loss. If it’s something small, your best defense is tits and tears. You know your boy best, one of them can normally at least help. You don’t have to make up excuses, or even talk about it. One will make him totally forget about whatever you did to piss him off, and the other will make him totally aware of it, but want to end the conversation as soon as possible. If you did something REALLY horrible, like cheat, or I don’t know kill his dog or something, you can always try on your best “well you drove me to it,” but this is just a minor prolongation of the bottom line which was that you, my dear were in the wrong. Don’t fuck up (which you shouldn’t since you’re perfect) and you won’t have to apologize. Simple as that.

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at [email protected]

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