Let me preface this by saying that I do not encourage adding people you don’t know on any form of social media – I’ve seen enough episodes of Catfish and heard about one too many serial killers to condone this ~wild~ behavior. But like with any golden rule, there are exceptions. For the sake of being generic, we’ll name this exception John. At the first glance of John’s profile, there were a few red flags, like the fact that his profile picture was a collage of before and after mirror selfies and that he actually had his relationship status publicly set to single. Yet upon further stalking at his profile, and the discovery of a few attractive photos (and mututal friends), I decided to ignore my better judgment and hit “accept.”
You could imagine my smug satisfaction when he slid into my Facebook DM’s just a few days later. After waiting the appropriate amount of time to respond to his eager, “hey!” we struck up a conversation. Honestly, the amount of exclamation points and smiley-faced tongue emojis he used in each message should’ve been enough of a deal-breaker alone to make me stop responding, but I had been home from school for a while and was still slightly entertained by the prospect of having someone new to talk to.
Things were going well when suddenly he decides to change the topic of conversation from our college majors to my workout habits with one simple question:
“Hey, do you like to workout at all?”
Wait, what? Does anyone actually enjoy working out? Isn’t it just something that we learn to suffer through so we don’t gain 10 pounds from the tequila shots every week
“Maybe you’d like to work out with me sometime?”
Looking back, this was the beginning of the end. As I am basically the epitome of the “before” photo on his profile, the possibility of me keeping up with the “after” half is about the same chance as me turning down a bowl of ice cream or a glass of wine – never gonna happen.
John finally asking for my number is comparable to the moment in a horror film where the main character is walking down a dark hallway towards the impending doom waiting for them at the end. Everyone watching is yelling at them, “Don’t do it! Don’t open the door!” We all know the character ends up opening the door anyways, so why should I have been any different? Rather than slipping him my go-to fake number, I made the genius decision to give him the real one. And, of course, he texts me.
You may be asking yourself what the problem is with an attractive guy texting me — so what if he likes to work out? At least he’s probably got a nice body, right? I thought the same thing, but don’t worry, it gets weirder. The very first text I get from him is a schedule of the workout classes we could take together, most of which were at 6:30 a.m. Don’t stress — if you don’t think you could make it to the gym that early (which I most definitely couldn’t) there’s an online version that I could stream live!
John would not let up about this morning class. Did I mention he was the instructor? After several (unconvincing) texts from him, I gave in and told him I would give it a try. I reassured him I would not need any reminder texts in the morning, mostly because I’d still be asleep, but what he didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him right?
Clearly, he didn’t get the message or thought that I needed a few, because I woke up the next morning to two reminder texts and directions on how to log on to the live stream because I will “feel so good and ready to take on the day after it!” When I didn’t log on to the live stream that morning, or the next three that he invited me to, he thought it would be a good idea to check in for a fourth time. I had to admire his persistence, considering I hadn’t responded since his first invitation.
“Hope you’re doing well, I was wondering if you have any health goals for the summer?”
Health goals? Me? I’m just trying to eat what I want and still look bangin’ in a bikini. John still sends the occasional text, asking how I’m doing — probably still wishing that one day I’ll surprise him and show up at his gym. Heck, if I did that I’d actually surprise myself.
Moral of the story: Don’t add an attractive stranger on Facebook unless you’re willing to work (out) for him..
Image via Shutterstock