“Feminism is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. It is the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes.”
–Emma Watson, quoting someone I’ve probably never heard of and definitely don’t care about.
In a day and age when it’s not “cool” to be a feminist, I proudly stand up to the haters in support of the movement toward equality for my gender. Except when I’m around a guy I’m trying to impress, because there’s really no bigger boner killer, I’ve found. Anyway, as a hardcore feminist, obviously this means I support women — all kinds of women. Large women, tiny women, beautiful women, ugly women — gotcha bitch. All women are beautiful. I support career women, and moms, as long as they breastfeed, because duh, that’s what boobs are there for. I support women who are athletes, and women who love their hyper-femininity. I support women who are chaste, and women who are uber skanks, as long as they never fucked my boyfriend.
My point is… you’ve got a vagina? I support you. Unless of course you’re one of those free-bleeding freaks, because that shit is gross. I mean, not that it’s gross. It’s beautiful, as is every part of the female experience. It’s just not hygienic, you know?
I just think that it’s our duty as women to build each other up, not tear each other down. And I do that every chance I get. Like, just the other day, I saw some bitch tweeting that her fat-as-shit roommate was eating all her food, and I was like “Hey. All bodies are beautiful. If you’d like to discuss her thievery of all your shit, you need to do that in a way that doesn’t shame her body or tear another woman down. As two vagina-havers, you owe it to each other to build each other up, not tear each other down.” All I ever do is build other women up.
Except for this cunt Amy.
I know a lot of people don’t like the word cunt, but by definition, it just means vagina. It’s a nod to the female form, and being offended by it is honestly kind of sexist. Though I did actually mean it as an insult in Amy’s case. Amy is literally just the worst fucking human I’ve ever met and I think she deserves to have all her shampoo be replaced by Nair so she has to rock a shaved head — a fate worse than death. Unless of course you want to have short hair, in which case, I support you.
I’m not really sure I can put into words exactly how horrible she is, because I’m not used to tearing other women down, but I’ll try. First of all, she’s just such a fucking liar. Like we were putting in an order for yoga pants for the whole sorority the other day, and she had the audacity to tell the chapter that she wears a size 4, so she ordered a small. And I’m fucking sorry, but her ass does not wear a size 4. Her ass SHOULD wear a size 4, because she’s constantly bragging about eating salads all the time, but like, hello, Amy, I can SEE you, and you’re definitely like an 8 or maybe even a 10, and the fact that you’d even suggest that you were a size 4 is straight up fucking asinine. Not that there’s anything wrong with being larger than a size 4 — I support women of all different sizes — she’s just like….not a 4, ya know?
And I would never ever slut shame someone. Like ever. I’m kind of a slut, so it wouldn’t even make sense. But she definitely blew like, all of Sigma Chi. Which is FINE. Blow whoever you want. But the thing is, she acts like she’s such a madonna because she’s not fucking them? But like…you still have their dicks inside you. It’s not any better. I’d even argue that sucking a ton of D is worse, because, uhh, you’re not getting an orgasm out of it, soo…? I mean not that anything is “worse,” because it’s your body and you should celebrate your sexuality. But just hop off your high horse about it. Like, how are you going to call me to standards for “not being classy” (which is the world’s cuntiest word, btw) when your gullet is practically a receptacle for semen? Whatever.
Okay, and I know this is stupid, but she just posts like. WAY too many selfies to Instagram. I get it, you think you’re hot, and I always think we should celebrate female confidence, but like…it’s just not social etiquette. Put your selfies on Snapchat like the rest of us???
Also, and you didn’t hear this from me, because I don’t believe in gossiping about other women, I just like, I don’t know, I thought you deserved to know. But remember that time you told her you didn’t care if she hooked up with Mike, because you only made out with him, like three times, but obviously you cared, and any good friend would know that? Well, she took that to mean she could actually hook up with him, and so she did.
See? Total cunt. But other than her, I totally support other women..
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Veronica Ruckh
Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking $4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co
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