Like most virginity stories, mine was terrible, but unlike most it was completely impulsive. I wish I could say that I was madly in love with him, or had spent weeks planning the perfect night with candles, but that’s not how it happened. The truth is I was sixteen and horny. He was tall, dark, and had a six pack. We’d been flirting with each other for months, texting each other constantly and sending the occasional sext. But we were both too nervous to actually try making a real move.
Then one day we were chilling after school with some friends at some sketchy billiards center and I decided this was my chance. Today I was going to go for it. I tried to play it cool by pretending to leave something in my friend’s car. I got the keys, looked at my target, and asked if he would walk with me. He happily went along. When we got outside, he asked what I forgot in the car. I tried to be cool and sexy so I said the first thing I could think of, “a condom.” Oh God.
“Why do you need a condom?” he asked. I was trying really hard to be sexy when I said this, but looking back it was actually pretty creepy. “I want to fuck you.” His eyes widened and he didn’t say anything else until we got to the car. I should probably mention that the car was parked in a mostly empty parking lot next to a very busy street in the middle of the day, so I clearly wasn’t thinking this plan through. I climbed in the backseat and patted the seat next to me. He followed. Then I went in for the kiss. We kissed for awhile, and then spent several minutes trying to find a comfortable position for both of us to lay down in the tiny ass backseat. I couldn’t believe that it was finally happening. I had spent weeks thinking of how I would finally get him naked.
The car windows started fogging up, and the clothes started coming off. After what was definitely not enough time, I decided to set the trouser snake free. I pulled down his boxers expecting to see something attractive, something majestic, or something that made me look forward to the experience. My jaw dropped when I saw it. It was enormous. I’m pretty sure it was close to the size of my forearm. It was giant, brown, and surprisingly smooth. It was a tower leaning slightly to the left.
I was trying to figure out how the hell that was going to be able to fit inside me. It was big, but I told myself big was supposed to feel better. Everything I had ever heard about penis preferences was that they should be big. I figured this would probably be better in the long run. The condom went on and his third leg started to approach my lady parts at an alarming pace. I decided to take it like a champ, and by champ I mean I turned my head and tried not to focus on the fact that my body was being ripped apart. I started praying. Literally praying that it would stop hurting so much.
Finally after about four strokes I decided I couldn’t do it anymore. I looked at him and opened my mouth to ask for a break. But then God answered my prayers in the most embarrassing way possible. A group of guys coming by began banging on the windows of the car. As the car shook from side to side, my v-card snatcher got the hell out of me, and started to fumble with our clothes to cover us up. The group of guys left and he looked at me. He apologized for the interruption and we both agreed that maybe we should just finish this whole thing another time. We got dressed and went back inside like nothing happened.
I wish I could say that was my only encounter with the monster, but it was not. We tried again a few days later, and started dating a few weeks after that. In his defense he really tried to make things good for me, and I was determined to find a way to make it work. It took us a year and a half to figure out that it just wasn’t going to happen. He was a good guy and we did end up falling in love with each other. But things just wouldn’t work. So we went our separate ways. I went on to find the perfect sized penis (and orgasms), and he went off to find another girl who attempted to conquer his King Kong.
Ladies, please if you ever encounter one of these beasts yourself, don’t try to make it work. Pick up your pants and get the fuck out of there..
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