I Don’t Care Whose Birthday It Is, I’m Blacking Out

I Don't Care Whose Birthday It Is, I'm Blacking Out

Listen up, hoes. I just saw on Facebook that there is a 21st birthday pregame for our sister this weekend. We’re all going to get to celebrate her on one of the best days of her life. She has been waiting in anticipation for this night all of college. She scoured the internet for the perfect romper and her roommates have been decorating with oversized mylar balloons since the crack of dawn. We are all going to go and respect the apartment at which the party is being held and make sure the birthday girl gets home safe. And, of course, this goes without saying, that night is all about me.

I’ve had this outfit planned in my head for weeks and I’ve just been waiting for the perfect opportunity to wear it, and I think this is it. It’s a little bit over the top for the disgusting bars that we usually go to, but this is a special occasion. It’s what’s-her-face’s 21st! I have to look good in all the pictures we’re going to take. I need a new profile picture anyway so this is perfect. The one from the last girl’s birthday is getting stale.

Also, I’ve been watching a ton of YouTube tutorials, so I feel like I could really rock a smokey eye. Especially with the outfit I’m planning. I’m going to blow everyone away. I might even fuck around and put on some falsies. Doesn’t matter how drunk everyone is, they will absolutely notice. I just feel like it’s the start of a new year and it’s time for me to reveal the new me.

Ooh, you know what? I didn’t even think about what I’m going to drink tonight. Usually you get champagne for special occasions, but this is a 21st muhfuggin’ birthday. I feel like if you don’t black out then you are absolutely doing it wrong. I’m drinking nothing but straight shots of tequila. Someone better bring limes and salt. Wait, I have a great idea. We’re doing BODY SHOTS. It’s that girl’s birthday after all. It’s the perfect excuse to get disgustingly drunk without having shoot out apology texts in the morning. It’s completely forgivable. Plus, if uh, Sarah is it(?) gets too drunk, I could just take all of the shots for her. I can probably handle my liquor better than her anyway. Just looking out.

I can’t wait for all of us to parade around to each bar, and have the boys are going to stop and stare as soon as we step in the door. The bouncers will stare too, because I am going to be HAMMERED. Sierra may have the crown on, but I’m hoping to only have one shoe by the time we get in public. If people don’t wish my good friend Samantha a happy birthday, I will verbally and physically assault them. The bartender may offer her free shots because it’s her birthday or whatever, but I’m the one who is putting up with her drunk mess, so I need a shot too! We are going to have the best night of her life.

It’s going to be a perfect night of all us girls looking fabulous and honoring Sierra’s (still not sure) birthday. But if I somehow don’t manage to get all of the attention, I am going to lose my goddamn mind.

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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