I Don’t Hate Your Ex, It’s Just That I Would Tear Her Limb From Limb If She Were To Ever Contact You In Any Way

I Don't Hate Your Ex, But I Would Tear Her Limb From Limb If She Tried To Contact You In Any Way

It’s fun to fall in love with every nuance of a person, but sometimes, there are things that are not so easy to love. Maybe a complete lack of Vine references, or maybe a gross, infected ingrown toenail. But I accept all of the things about you. Who you are in the present is everything I want you to be. I can’t wait to see how you will grow in your future. And it doesn’t matter what happened in the past. That includes your exes. I understand that you have dated other people before me, and I have no problem with that. I have dated people before too. It’s just a fact of life. But I swear on both of my tits, if one of your exes ever tries to talk to you, I will have no choice but to end her.

I like to think that I’m not actually a jealous person. I totally trust you. We have a strong bond that I fully believe in. Something that I am SURE you and your ex never had, because she is a fuckin’ bitch. Not that I hate her or anything. I barely even know what she looks like. Well, what she looks like in real life at least, of course I have found all over her social media profiles using my FBI-level investigating skills. Anyway, I just appreciate how you make me feel like I am the only girl in the world. But since I’m not, if another girl talks to you, especially one that has put her mouth on you at any point of her life, she is basically begging me to go crazy bananas on her.

It’s just so nice that you and I have such open communication. I never feel anxious about your intentions or nervous that you’re not telling me something. Ever since we started talking, I never once questioned why you weren’t texting me back. I just knew that you were busy and you’d get back you me when you could, and you always did. There is nothing shady about you. Your ex, on the other hand, seems like the type to pull some serious bullshit. So I don’t care if it’s just that she watched your story on Instagram even though she doesn’t follow you, she is up to some petty business. There is no way anything she does in regards to internet interactions with you has anything except for ulterior motives. You think that a text on your birthday is just her trying to be nice, but I see right through that facade. All that text is doing is checking to see if you are still in love with her. She is trying to fuck with you. Even if it doesn’t work on you at all, it’s still working on me. I believe me when you tell me you don’t have feelings for her anymore. But you’ve had time to get over her and I have not. Therefore, she must accept the extravagant yet fair consequences for her schiesty and manipulative actions.

I rarely think of her, though. It’s just you and me and no one else. I don’t sit around and plot her demise, although I’m sure she would just LOVE that. I honestly don’t even know what I would do if she were to say anything to you. Would I bitch her out via text? Would I find her on campus and make a scene? Would I wait until I was drunk at a bar and lose my marbles like I never have? Would I just get silently mad and text all of my friends about it? I have no idea. Most days, it never crosses my mind. I don’t think it’s healthy to hold grudges anyway. What’s that worth? You’re not with her. You’re with me now, and that’s all that matters. Just because she still exists in the world doesn’t mean that it will affect us at all. But one measly endorsement on LinkedIn, and she will exist no longer.

Image via Shutterstock

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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