I Finally Learned How To Do My Makeup And My Life Has Never Been Harder

I Finally Learned How To Do My Makeup And My Life Has Never Been Harder

All my adult life I have envied my cosmetically inclined friends. Their ability to flawlessly look flawless was one that I had never possessed. I would beg them to do my makeup, which would be hurriedly done minutes before the pregame started, and it would still look lightyears better than anything I could create. But I got sick of relying on others. I’m an independent woman with above average intelligence, I should be able to paint my own face without looking like I am psychologically ill. So I made a full commitment to getting my full face made up, and I achieved my goal of learning how to do my makeup. And between you and me, there is nothing that I have ever regretted more.

First of all, do you know how long it takes to do your makeup? Like, a while. The time commitment did not end after the didactic portion of my transformation. It took me forever to learn it, but even now that I know how to do it, it’s not like I can do it any faster. You can only blend at a certain pace before your arm starts to go into rigor mortis. You can’t rush perfection, or anything else as it turns out. It takes me almost three times as long to get ready, which is seriously cutting out of day. I could be doing something more important and productive like read a book. I mean, my extensive use of screens has rendered me illiterate, but you get what I’m saying.

Because I’m so adverse to wasting time doing my makeup, I now have two looks: full glam and kind of a man. I know that even if I just throw on some mascara really quick, I’ll get sucked into filling in my eyebrows. And if I’m bothering to fill in my eyebrows, I might as well put on foundation, powder, and bronzer. At that point, why not add a full cat eye and contour my crooked Owen-Wilson-esque nose? It’s quite the slippery slope.

If time is money, then I’ve been spending way too much of both. The amount of different products and shades are overwhelming. There are different size brushes for every nook and cranny on your face. Some of the brushes are exactly the same, but one is for blush and one is for bronzer. How do you know the difference? Ha ha, you don’t! You just rub them all over your face and say a little airbrushed prayer.

Honestly, I’m not entirely convinced that makeup is supposed to go on your face ever. My skin has never been more pissed at me, and I had a rough couple years in high school where I just looked like ever “before” picture in all of the Proactiv commercials. I’m stabbing myself in the eyeball with brushes and eyeliners, I’m gluing my lashes to my face, shellacking on liquid lipstick that never comes off, and then scrubbing my face with chemicals to get it all off. Is anyone checking if this is safe? Because I definitely am not.

Ugh, you know what they say. Beauty is a pain.

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Ali Hin

A born and raised Jersey girl, she can always be found covered in sand and pizza sauce. Her personal brand is "that girl." She prefers wine in bottles because she thinks outside of the box. Send fan mail to [email protected] or by smoke signal.

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