As I slowly pulled myself out of my morning daze, I started to register my surroundings. “Why am I on the futon?” I asked my roommate who was in bed three feet away from me. “Dude, do you really not remember last night?” she asked me incredulously, “You threw up everywhere.”
After four hellish hours I managed to scrape up a fragment of dignity, endure the dirty looks from the boys on my floor, (turns out “everywhere” meant “the boy’s bathroom”), and pack for a formal which was two hours away at a resort and spa. Luckily, my date had a car and decided to opt out of the bus ride. His big and his big’s date were going to join us on the road trip. As I got in, ready to start the journey of my first formal, he said eight magical words: “We’re going to smoke on the drive down.”
“Thank God,” I thought to myself, still horribly nauseous but totally pulling off the whole “no, of course I didn’t black out before formal” thing. Smoking would be the cure to my debilitating hangover.
“Oh by the way,” my date casually told me as he started the car, “We have a lot of time to kill before dinner, so I signed us up for a couples massage.”
I’m pretty naive about most things, and not really sure what a couples massage is to begin with, so I assumed this was typical time-killing behavior.
Turns out my date’s big and his date were also going to have a massage. So as we rolled into the resort, we all rushed to the spa, already fifteen minutes late for the appointment. The other girl and I were escorted to the women’s changing room, my date and his big to the men’s. At this point, I was pretty baked and had no idea what was going on. Was I getting a massage alone? Was the “couple” aspect with the other girl? Would my date be involved?
The first thing I noticed upon entering the changing room was that it was the nicest fucking bathroom I’d ever been in. It slowly dawned on me that a “resort” was a pretty big deal, and resorts don’t cut any corners. An employee gave me a robe and sandals, as well as a form that had to be filled out. “Paperwork?” I thought to myself, “How serious is this?”
As I started to undress, I realized I wasn’t sure if the proper etiquette was to get ass naked or keep underwear on, when the other girl interrupted my thoughts.
“Do we keep our underwear on?” So grateful I wasn’t the only one struggling.
“I have no idea.”
In my haze I forgot that there were other women in the changing room. One of whom asked us if we were getting full-body massages.
“I think so.”
“Well then ladies, you take it all off,” she said with a grin.
I turned back to the other girl, my face full of confusion and horror. What have I gotten myself into? The other girl chose this moment to drop another bomb on me.
“How long have you and your date been together?” she asked innocently.
“Together?” I sputtered in shock, “We actually haven’t hooked up yet.” I told her, fully aware that that would change in a couple of hours, although not aware that it might be in a massage room.
“Oh I just thought you guys were. I’m exclusive with my date, all my friends joke about how this is our honeymoon,” she told me.
An angel dressed as a disgruntled resort employee came down from heaven to save me from this exchange and inform us that it was massage time. I was led to a door where a man and a woman were standing. They both gave me the strongest handshakes I’ve ever felt and introduced themselves as my masseuses. At this point I was split up from the other girl. I stepped into the hallway and they closed the door behind me. The hallway was pitch black, the only light illuminating from candles at the sides of every door. The two masseuses flanked me as we walked down the long hallway in silence. “Am I going to be sacrificed?” I thought to myself as I was led down the hallway like a lamb being led to slaughter.
As we turned into a room, the first thing I noticed was a massage bed. The second thing I noticed was another massage bed, upon which, was none other than my date. I stood in shock as I processed how bizarre this whole thing was. The two masseuses explained that we needed to put our robes on the back of the door and get into the bed. They stepped out of the room “to give us some time,” blatantly implying, this is the part of the massage where you bang.
As the door closed with a click, I finally expressed how paranoid, and how high I still was, with a calm, but firm “What the FUCK?!”
My date threw his hands up in defense. “I don’t know! I just signed us up for something!”
I rolled my eyes and moved toward the door to hang up my robe.
“I can turn around while you get into bed,” my date said. This kid hadn’t even seen me naked yet, and now we were getting couples massages together. You know, the kind of thing troubled spouses do after twenty years of marriage. However, mama didn’t raise no bitch. I hung up my robe, fully exposed, and cat-walked back to my massage bed.
More preoccupied with the organ harvest I was certain was about to occur than my lack of clothing, I played it cool. My date took my chill demeanor as a sign to make a move, which I immediately shut down. In his defense, I can see the appeal to hooking up in this scenario. It’s relaxing, there’s excitement at the risk of being caught, and you’re with your significant other. Unless, in my case, you’re not with your significant other.
After my date and I got into our respective beds, the masseuses came in and started the massage. I had the male masseuse, and once his strong, muscular, hands started relaxing my weak, unworked muscles, all my worries melted away. I found myself drifting to sleep as I heard my date occasionally giggling, no doubt from getting a boner. The massage lasted about an hour, but I wish it went on forever. As the masseuses left the room to let us change, they hinted this would be another good time for an afternoon delight. And this time, I was feelin’ it.
I’m a big believer in living in the moment. Did I have sex in a massage room with two people standing outside the door waiting for us to finish? Yes I did. Was getting a couples massage at formal a good idea? I’d say not. Would I do it again? Absolutely..
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