I Hate When Guys Go Down On Me


I’m going to do bad things to you. As the message popped up on my screen I immediately began laughing. Nothing like the biggest fuckboy texting you on a Friday night for a good chuckle.

Like what? I responded, as unenthusiastically as possible. This could be fun.

I’d throw you on the bed and go down on you for hours. Ugh. No longer fun.

I’ve basically had it ingrained in my head that I should enjoy being eaten out. And don’t get me wrong, I have. But there’s just something about the situation that never appealed to me. Before you tell me I’m crazy or just need to find the right tongue — hear me out.

Nothing makes you question your hygiene quite like when a guy tries to go downtown on you. When’s the last time you showered? What if you missed a spot shaving? You don’t know what you taste like down there. It’s not like you’re a chef that samples her own creations. No, you just clean that shit and hope for the best. A vagina is basically a cavern of mystery to most girls. So now when you’re lying down legs open and a head between them, you have to be self-conscious about what’s truly going on down there. You can’t even enjoy the experience anymore, because you’re constantly wondering if he is.

So even if the time is right, the guy is cute, and I’m sure everything is groomed to perfection, the experience can still be tragic. Most guys know just about a woman’s anatomy as I know about quantum physics — absolutely nothing. I’ve literally had a guy think a rapid fire tongue punch would be a pleasurable experience. Spoiler: it wasn’t. Even though college-aged guys think they are the Hugh Hefners of their generation, they are about as clueless as they come. Yes, there are definitely ones who know what they are doing, but I’m just saying it’s not always a homerun.

Now maybe I wasn’t brought up to learn the proper etiquette for receiving oral, so maybe I can blame the woman who raised me — ew, actually nevermind. I didn’t need that image. But what the fuck are you supposed to do when he’s doing his business? The upper half of my body is not being utilized. I have two perfectly capable arms. Do I grab his hair? That just seems like I’m trying too hard. Can I clap for a job well done? Honestly, seems like the perfect time to play sudoku on my phone or file my taxes. Excuse me for being a multi-tasker.

The best comparison for the uncomfortableness is the same awkwardness when people are singing “Happy Birthday” to you. You have to uncomfortably sit there and smile. You can’t even mouth the words along. You’re basically left there grinning like a fool waiting for the main event where you can eat your goddamn cake and open your presents. The worst is everyone singing happy birthday to you thinks they are gifting you with this great charity. Sure it feels nice and it’s just for you, but you know when their birthday rolls around they’re expecting you to be belting out the same song for them. Basically, he’s expecting a blowjob very shortly and if you don’t deliver you look like an asshole.

Don’t tell me I haven’t had it done right, or I just need to try it again. Trust me, I’ve had it done right. But, I can’t get over the above reasons. To me, it’s just a way for guys to either brag about how ~experienced~ they are or expect something in return. No, this isn’t a challenge for you to change my mind. I won’t deprive myself from it forever. Maybe oral is just an acquired taste: like coffee… or vodka.

Image via Shutterstock

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drunk and confused

On an average day you can find me awkwardly asking to pet dogs, searching through frat houses to find my missing wallet, and sending apology texts to the innocent victims from the evening before. Still navigating my way through undergrad life, and enjoying every drunken and confusing second of it

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