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I Haven’t Decided To Bang You Just Because I Decided To Watch Netflix With You

Netflix and Chill

It’s that time of year again, folks, the return to our respective colleges! On the surface, this means classes, tailgates, binge-drinking, and late-night DP Dough, but in reality, it is so much more than that. You can bet your bottom dollar that between O-chem and World Regions, the only thing you’re really studying is what cute-boy-in-the-third-back-row-fourseats-from-the-right-with-the-lambda-apple-pie-date-party-shirt’s relationship status is. And the same thing goes for the boys!

Disclaimer: I am not diminishing college students into cesspools of hormones and cheap vodka – although, that is a strong portion of who we are – we obviously do care about the actual values of our education. I mean, I’ll be drowning in debt until I’m six feet under, so you best believe I’m not wasting it on mere fuckboys. But, we’d all be lying to ourselves if we said that we pay zero attention to those of the opposite sex within our academic surroundings.

It’s simply fact: summer vacation has left us with desires that we’ve thought about over the last three months. He may be someone from last semester with whom you have unfinished business, or he may be that beta-zeta-theta-ginger whose been liking your Instagram posts since you met at a Zac Brown Band concert, or he may be someone completely new who sits behind you in class and laughs at the same times you laugh at the professor’s poorly executed joke. Whatever it may be, we’re all excited to try out our new off-the-shoulder tops or name-brand colognes downtown in the hopes that it catches the attention of the opposite sex. Now, with all of these pent-up dating pressures, it is likely that many of these sexual tensions will collide with one main event: the infamous, the erotic, the pleasure palace that is Netflix & Chill.

To the layman observer, N&C is when two people who deem each other attractive hang out, using the aforementioned TV streaming site as a thin veil under which the real purpose of said hangout is disguised —
that real purpose being some type of fornication at any length that would be decided upon between the two consenting parties involved.

However, the event has a lot of layers to it, my friends, do not let it fool you. Nine times out of ten, if a guy is asking you to Netflix & Chill, he probably just wants to hook up. Not always, but probably. And if that is what you want to do too, then by all means, go flaunt that freak flag all the way through his Netflix queue! That is harmlessly acceptable (so long as you use protection, give/receive consent, and you’re sure that he’s not dating that girl in chi pi hi). I just have some words on the Netflix & Chill game that I want to make clear to some boys who may think they are being sweet or sly.

Disclaimer #2: As a typical college gal, I cannot say honestly that I completely disdain the Netflix & Chill movement — or that I even think it’s a bad one. I am not trying to sound like every other lame girl claiming that “chivalry is dead” and “boys should take girls dancing” and all of that vanilla-bullshit. I’m a sexual being too so I’d be lying if I said I didn’t see the genius in camouflaging coitus with “I’ll try One Tree Hill, but only if you come over to watch it with me ;)”

As proposers of the Netflix & Chill, you need to make clear your intentions without being rude. I get it. And girls, we are guilty of it, too. I have asked a guy, or five, to come over and watch Netflix either to delight him with letting him try (and fail) to unhook my bra or if I’m not feeling it, actually make him sit through Moana in its entirety. But I digress. This message is to the eta zeta pomerenia who thought that since I agreed to Netflix & Chill that it was free tacos and melons all night. Sir, this market isn’t open for you and I’m going to tell you why.

Although there is nothing wrong with having sex upon first encounter with someone (like it’s 2017 folks – we are free and liberated), there is something wrong with feeling entitled to sex upon first encounter for any reason in any situation. Simply because of the stigma associated with the way in which you hang out, though, (ie. Netflix & Chill), many think the rules do not apply. I, personally, am not about to let you make your way downtown (walking fast, faces pass) just because you made your bed for once and are rubbing your thumb up and down my shoulder. Let’s get real, here, sir, you are not fooling anyone. Where is the effort?

There was a time back in the Game of Thrones era where people were willing to sell a whole farm for a woman. I am not saying that I condone this or want you to offer up your finest selection of cattle for a trip to this love shack, but at least there is a solidly valiant effort that proves that I’m not simply yours to have. I mean, a couple of goats are at least worth more than presenting a movie from your brother’s girlfriend’s dog’s Netflix account. If you think that I am just going to unlock this treasure chest because you “love The Notebook because you have three sisters so you’re a little more sensitive” or because you say “I’ll watch whatever you want; I just want to spend time with you,” I can assure you that I will turn on Schindler’s List and throw you way off your game. If you think that you can just conquer King’s Landing before the Game of Thrones theme song even ends, then you really know nothing, Jon Snow.

I don’t mean to be too aggressive, because again I, too, dig the Netflix & Chill vibe on occasion, but I do not dig when someone feels they have the endowed rights to my promised land simply because I agreed to hang out after 9:30 PM. If I come over and you can’t even make it through the opening credits without making a move to inconspicuously slip a finger or two under the elastic of my LuLu Lemon leggings, then you better go right back to the sexual rut from which you came (probably in less than five minutes, might I add) because I deserve a little bit more respect than that.

In conclusion, this is just a little something to think about while we are hanging our tapestries, reconnecting with our local drug-dealers, and struggling to find on-campus parking spots. And I’m sure that I have scared a couple fuckboys into never asking a girl to Netflix & Chill again, but that is not my goal. Let me make it clear – there is nothing wrong with Netflix & Chilling. There is nothing wrong with even granting truth to the stereotype and having sex upon a first date in this setting, if the two parties agree that is what they want. I do, however, find it wrong when one party automatically assumes that they are deserving of sex, and gets angry if they are not authorized to such prestigious rights, and then storms out in the middle of American Horror Story. Netflix & Chill is a defining feature of our millennial era and although I do love it, let it be known that one should never be angry if it does not go the way you want. After all, it is “Netflix & Chill,” not “Netflix & Try to Strategically Put Your Hand On My Breast Several Times After Being Pushed Away And Then Throw A Tantrum And March Home.

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