The purple and orange circle surrounding her picture had mocked me for weeks. By merely existing, she was practically begging me to stalk her, and for a time, I had done so very cautiously. In the wee hours of the night, when I was all alone, I’d lurk when no one could bare witness to what I’d done. I’d find a photo somewhere on the internet that I knew she’d liked, so I could click on her name, without ever having to type it in. Bitch would never be in my “recently searched” no matter how often I searched her. I would not allow it.
I was careful never to double tap. Never to let her know what I was doing. She began coming up in my explore, and I’d quickly scroll past her photos, willing her to block a bitch she didn’t even know existed, so that I could free myself of her. So I could stop going to her page. So I could stop staring at that illuminated purple and orange circle surrounding her avi that was saying “You dumb bitch, homegirl has a snap story. One that YOUR MAN could be in. Just click me. Watch me. WATCH ME.”
I don’t know what came over me that night. I don’t know if the temptation overtook me, or if I suddenly realized that I didn’t care. But with a little bit of liquid courage, I took the plunge. And I watched my hate stalk’s Instagram story. I told myself it would just be this once…but truthfully, I felt liberated.
I could see whatever the fuck I wanted. I could see what she was up to, live, in the moment. I could hear her stupid voice telling stupid stories in her stupid monologue videos. And the only “downfall” was that she could see me. And after a careful evaluation, I realized I do not give a singular fuck.
What was she going to do? Block me? As we’ve discussed, I’m desperate for a block. It’s really the only way to stop me from going mad over her life. Is she going to go out and TELL this dude that I watched her story? No FUCKING way. Who looks like the psycho then? Me, the casual observer, or her the girl who ran to tell someone who wasn’t her boyfriend that someone else who wasn’t his girlfriend knows she exists? That’s the crazy move here. Perhaps she wouldn’t even notice I’d viewed her story. I certainly don’t notice everyone who views mine. But as a matter of fact…what if she did.
What if she took my story view, stalked me, and found out that I’m out here living my life. What if this was the trigger that leads her to a life where she is hate stalking me. What if this is what makes the bitch who has caused me so much emotional turmoil know I exist? THAT’S A LIFE I CAN GET BEHIND.
So you see, this whole thing has made me realize that the power you think your hate stalk has over you? It’s obsolete. You’re doing it to yourself. When you stop hiding, when you let her know you’re watching, you actually take the power back. And any response she has is automatically petty for reading too much into your social media behavior. So in a way, letting her see you means you win. And isn’t that really what it’s all about?.
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