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I Should Not Be Allowed To Graduate

Not allowed to graduate

Well, shit. Can you believe it? In about a month, we will be done with “the best four years of our lives.” Uh…cool? Thanks a heap. Who thought of that slogan? Whoever you are, I hate you. It’s a great phrase to get us excited to leave high school and be on our own for the first time, but little did we know we were heading off to utopia. Four fantastic years of friends, binge drinking and bad decisions? Sign me up.

Oh wait.

I did sign up. I did have a damn good time. I did make memories I’ll never remember with friends I’ll never forget. I also did every other cliché college catch phrase, thanks for asking.

But as I deal with the fact that I don’t have a job, and that I have zero skills that will land me a job, and that I detest every single person who has a job, these catch phrases make me HATE EVERYONE (especially you, you lucky asshole freshmen).

I want to have more “best years of my life,” and I want them now.

How did four whole years go by so quickly? Didn’t we just get dropped off at our shitty dorms? Weren’t we just consuming way too much pizza in the caf thanks to our “unlimited meals” dining option (hello, freshmen 15)? Didn’t we just date that wrong guy? And that wrong guy? And didn’t we think we were dating that wrong guy, but apparently we weren’t even dating, but whatever?

I don’t know about you, but I thought by the end of college I’d feel a little more prepared to leave and start my career while saying, “peace out bitches,” to college life. But no. How can they actually let me graduate? There are so many signs indicating that I am not ready to go into the REAL real world.

  1. I don’t know how I’m going to decorate my motorboard.
  2. I thought a mortarboard was called a “motorboard.”
  3. I have yet to create a grammatically correct sentence in a foreign language.
  4. I haven’t done a keg stand (stop judging, I thought this was a safe place).
  5. I went to more classes my freshman year than I have in the past three years combined.
  6. I bring a flask of wine to my evening classes (when I actually attend) to get a head start on the evening.
  7. Yes, I have a specific flask for wine.
  8. I want a career that uses my passions for using Netflix accounts that aren’t mine, eating mozzarella sticks, and avoiding confrontation.
  9. “What happens if there’s inclement weather? Where do you go?”
  10. I don’t put on pants most days.
  11. When I DO put on pants, they’re of either the yoga or sweatpant variety.
  12. Extra points if they’re clean.
  13. Having a 9 to 5 job will clash with my current job of social media stalking and crying about my life choices.
  14. I’ve never gotten the chance to shout, “We’re going streaking! We’re going up the quad and to the gymnasium!”
  15. I don’t think I’ve said “she doesn’t even go here” enough times.
  16. I’m pretty sure you don’t get to go to college happy hours once you have a real job. They check for that sort of thing at the door.
  17. I never got super involved in yoga, guitar, or being skinny and tan like I had planned.
  18. Do they hand out free hummus samples at big people jobs?
  19. What about free T-shirts? I honestly don’t think three drawers are enough.
  20. When people ask me about my life, I basically just describe the plot of “Good Will Hunting.” I think that has to stop.
  21. Do people quote movies in the real world?
  22. High fives make me anxious–and in career training videos, everyone is ALWAYS high fiving.
  23. I don’t trust people enough to play my Pandora in public. How will I survive in a cubicle?
  24. Wearing my lavaliere will no longer be a badge of honor, but just sort of sad.
  25. I set an alarm to wake up at 11 a.m. These 6 a.m. wake ups will be the actual devil.
  26. I can’t put on pantyhose without getting a run in them. I don’t want to try.
  27. I really don’t floss as much as I should. Or ever, really. That can’t be a good sign.
  28. I wear fake glasses.
  29. When questioned, I lie about the fact that my glasses are fake by saying, “Why would I wear fake glasses?”
  30. I am not ready to say goodbye to summer vacations.
  31. I’ve heard that “college broke” is very different from “real world broke.” I don’t want this to be confirmed.
  32. I never even pulled an all nighter. (Disclaimer: I have stayed up all night, just not for studying.)
  33. I think I should change my major. Again.
  34. Casual day drinking doesn’t exist in the adult world. You have to go to brunch for that shit.
  35. You can’t afford brunch anymore.
  36. That illicit affair with the sexy theater professor? Yeah. I never achieved that.
  37. The ratio to amount of times I’ve tailgated compared to the amount of football games I’ve actually been to is waaaay off.
  38. I’m not ready to be the awkward alumna who comes back for everything because she hasn’t accepted that college is over.
  39. You mean I can’t wear my sexy Barbie costume on Thursday nights anymore? What do I do with the entire bin of clothes labeled “socials”?
  40. The decrease in my drinking will completely throw my liver for a loop.
  41. I won’t have an excuse to go to Taco Bell at 2 a.m. anymore.
  42. Staying up till 2 a.m. won’t even be a thing anymore. 2 a.m. will be like, three hours before I wake up for work.
  43. Above all else, I’m scared. I don’t know what this next journey will bring to me. Saying goodbye to happy hours, skipping class, and making the best worst decisions is one thing, but saying goodbye to ourselves is another. Azar Nafisi summed our almost post-college feelings perfectly: “You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. You’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.”

Here’s a little secret, though. After college we get to spend our time making money, buying the good alcohol in the store, and seeking our passions with people we love (or at least sleep with). I’m pretty sure that is when the best years of our lives REALLY start. Cheers to graduation, my soon to be adult friends!

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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