I Wish I Could’ve Pledged A Fraternity


When I was looking at colleges, if they didn’t have Greek life, they weren’t getting a second glance from my direction. I knew I wanted to be in a sorority and do everything else that went along with it. Sure, I love my sorority, my extensive Nike shorts collection, and my Camelback water bottle that I got monogrammed in my sorority’s Lilly print. But if I could go back and do it all over again, I would make one drastic change to my college experience: I wouldn’t join a sorority, I would pledge a fraternity.

For starters, boys are way more chill than girls are. Have you ever heard boys fight over if someone else was using their shampoo? Nope. But in a sorority house, this would be a reasonable cause for Rebecca to start WWIII on Ashley because she’s just, like, the worst, and also Rebecca thinks she’s the one who took one Oreo out of her pack of 40 that her mom brought her for her birthday. If I were in a frat, I don’t think anyone would use my shampoo for color treated hair, but if they did, we could solve our “problem” with a “Hey, sorry bro. Wanna beer?” and then play FIFA and forget anything ever happened. Also, living in filth and being a little messy wouldn’t be a problem. I mean, what are pledges for?

Another great thing about being in a fraternity: I could actually boss around pledges. I mean, sure, a lot of pledges currently answer to my every desire and fear my presence, but if I were an active “brother,” they would have NO choice but to cater to my every need. It’s always been a goal of mine to have a small army of mostly freshmen boys at my disposal to literally cater to my drunk food cravings and maybe make a tampon run if I didn’t feel like moving. I have a lot of dry cleaning to be done and not a lot of time to do it, and these boys could seriously save me hours off my life. I would actually want to run for an exec position and give back to my chapter as pledge master. I feel my stone cold heart and pitch black soul would make me the ideal candidate for this position. I would be more than willing to participate in a “drink-off” style election, where the candidate who can shotgun the most beers in ten minutes wins, instead of a traditional democratic election, because I’m that #frat.

What frats lack in enforcing rules, sororities seem to make up for. Standing up at chapter and announcing that you were so blacked you hooked up with Stacy’s mom would get you a standing ovation in a men’s fraternity, and a very long, agonizing visit to standards in a sorority. Basically, as long as you don’t do anything you could go to jail for, you’ll be fine. Let’s not forget to mention the fact that you can, wait for it, drink AND throw sick bangers in your chapter’s house. How amazing would it be to wake up, drink, party, nap in your own bed, and rage again all without leaving your house? That’s the dream. I imagine that standards meetings would entail discussing the behavior of those who aren’t turning up enough and that their punishment would be to go out four days a week instead of three. Sign me up. Heck, I’ll even run for standards chair.

I love being a girl, but I often times feel like I would make a better boy — and not in a Bruce Jenner kind of way. I just feel like my personality and chill, bro-like presence would make me an outstanding member of any male fraternity. Plus, I definitely have the legs to rock a short inseam. So sorry to disappoint you, yet again, boys, but you’ve unfortunately lost probably one of your most promising potential members to another Greek organization.

Better luck next year.

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