If Britney Can Make It Through 2007, You Can Make It Through Finals

Like most people, finals week and the week leading up to it are my least favorite times of the year. I suffer from a stifling case of procrastination, and when I have more than one test/paper/assignment coming up, I do what seems most natural to me when I’m feeling overwhelmed…nothing. Followed, of course, by more nothing, nothing, nothing, Pinterest, nothing, and cramming. As an upperclassman, my classes tend to be challenging, as do my school’s academics in general. It’s no Harvard, but I can count on one finger the number of times I’ve cried this semester…and it was during finals. As a result, I’ve taken to a mantra that is tried and true: if Britney can make it through 2007, you can make it through finals week.

In case you’ve forgotten, Britney Spears’ music defined the early 2000s, but her life took a turn for the worse, and she had a rough year in 2007. First came the demise of her marriage to her deadbeat husband, Kevin Federline. Anybody with two brain cells to rub together could have told you that marrying a white trash backup dancer who calls himself “K Fed” was not going to end well, but it’s never fun to end a marriage with the father of your two children…presumably. I have neither children, nor a husband, so I guess I don’t technically know.

In a whirlwind of mental instability, Britney did something that would make Samson shudder, and any sane girl weep…she shaved her head. I was super anxious going from side-swept bangs to straight across bangs, and required moral support before and after making the switch, so I don’t even want to imagine what kind of emotional turmoil she was going through in doing something so traumatic. Bald Britney then began her first of many stints in rehab, checking in as often as I check into Starbucks.

Then came the infamous umbrella incident. Provoked by the paparazzi, she went to town on one of the photographer’s cars. The expression on her face is one that can only be achieved through unhealthy levels of rage, depression, and crazy, as is evident in the photographic evidence of the event. The rest of the year consisted of more visits to rehab, a hit and run, a jail sentence for said hit and run, and a truly depressing performance of “Gimme More” at that year’s VMAs. Of course, the worst part of her year came when she was deemed an unfit mother after failing to take court-ordered drug tests in a timely manner, and she lost custody of her children without visitation rights. Bad. Fucking. Year.

But she came out on top. She’s had tons of hit singles since then, is now a judge on an increasingly popular reality TV show, and as soon as she gets a makeup artist who does something about her chin, she’ll be a hottie again. She got through it, and although I’m certain my professors are conspiring against me, as they are cruel beings who want to make a cute girl crack…at least I’m not debuting my “curvier”-than-usual figure in a bra and boy shorts on basic cable.

So here’s to you, Britney. Your troubled life has truly helped me to put mine into perspective. Perhaps finals week isn’t the absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to me.


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