If The Presidential Candidates Were Your Ex-Boyfriends


If you’re like most red-blooded American girls, you’ve had your fair share of ex-boyfriends over the years. Some exes, you tried (and maybe even succeeded) to stay friends with, some exes still make your blood boil when you see them on campus, and some exes you vehemently deny ever having seen naked at all. The presidential election is much the same. In November, one presidential hopeful will become the new leader of the free world, while the others will slowly fade from the news. In the years after, the memory of some candidates and their campaigns will make you apathetic, while others will continue to make you downright cringe whenever you hear their name and “the presidency” in the same sentence. If the 2016 presidential candidates were ex-boyfriends, what would they be like?

Donald Trump

He’s the ex-boyfriend that transforms overnight into a complete and total asshole. While you were dating, he treated you like an absolute angel. He took you on extravagant dates, opened all the doors, and never rarely asked you to do butt stuff. Mysteriously, your friends always thought he was kind of a lowkey jerk, although you couldn’t see what they were talking about through all the affection and money he was throwing in your face. You met his parents, his friends loved you, and (you thought) you were all set for ring by spring. You had a feeling that the two of you were destined to become the most fabulous power couple since JFK and Jackie, minus the infidelity and scandals. You’d even picked out your china pattern, for Christ’s sake! Then, one afternoon out of the blue, he told you it was over. He had had his eye on a cute freshman for some time, and he was moving on to greener pastures. When the two of you called it quits, he forced all of your mutual friends to pick a side in the messy split. It’s been a couple months since the breakup, but he still insists on “accidentally” texting you every few weeks, pretending that you’re his new girlfriend or a hook-up just to ensure that you’re aware he still majorly pulls.

Ted Cruz

He was secretly really sensitive, but pretends to be stoic AF for the benefit of appearances. When the two of you broke up, he told all of your friends that he was totally fine and not even upset. He may have even taken it a step further, telling everyone that it was his idea anyways. This is only really problematic because you’re the one who ended the relationship, mostly because he refused to pick any movie but Titanic whenever it was his turn to decide on Netflix. And also because last year during formal he threw up on your shoe and then cried until you forgave him. Your peers all think he’s the man, and only you know the truth. He’s kind of a pussy. He’s super into feelings, and made you a lot of mixtapes with mopey songs that made you kind of uncomfortable. Like, you asked for songs to blackout to, not songs that would make your mascara run. After your relationship ended, he went through a major Rascal Flatts phase that actually kind of still isn’t over. He does wish that your dreams stay big and your worries stay small, though.

Marco Rubio

He’s the guy that you forget you even dated at all. As far as boyfriends go, he was pretty average. He liked some of the things you liked and didn’t like others. You never really fought or argued. If dating Trump was like seeing red, dating Rubio was like seeing beige. Your relationship fizzled out naturally, although looking back on it, you’re not even really sure if you were actually in a relationship at all. Sure, you met his parents, but that was mostly because he had a great beach house in the Keys and you had no plans for break. Now that you think about it, his older brother was actually pretty hot. It’s been over a year since you last hooked up and now when you see him at the bars and on Greek Row, your friends point to him and ask if he was the kid you dated your sophomore year. You tilt your head and squint at him for longer than is probably situationally appropriate, before noncommittally nodding and saying that you’re seventy-five percent sure.

Bernie Sanders

The fuckboy who wasn’t even hot enough to have the privilege of being a fuckboy. You dumped him when you found out that he was actually dating girls from two other houses at the same time that he was dating you. When you told him that this was the reason the relationship was over, he was super confused. A couple days later, he showed up on your doorstep and played you a song that he had written on the guitar. The song was called “Free Love For Everyone” and weirdly talked a lot about free love and free education. You weren’t sure why education was a relevant theme to a love song, but Bernie had always smoked a TON of weed while the two of you were together. His head was usually up in the clouds, and even though you tried super hard to hate him for cheating on you, you never quite could. He was just too much of an idealist. The last time you saw him, he was engaged in a heated debate with that one weird kid on your campus who’s always walking around barefoot.

So, um, Kanye 2020?

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A native Seattleite and self-proclaimed Snapchat queen, she's been a coffee addict since she found out what a coffee bean was. Believer in and promoter of the #freeguac and #freegucci movements. She is obsessed with all things Harry Potter and has been known to stop people at parties to tell them how to remove the wine from their clothes. In her spare time, she enjoys baking, writing for TSM, and pretending like she has her act together. Hit her up @

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