If You Don’t Have A Great Spring Break You Might Die Alone

Spring Break

Soooooo what are you doing for spring break?

You glance up at your frenemy, wondering what, exactly, she’s playing at. Her eyes are too sparkly. Her smile even faker than usual. You can tell she’s been working out, and her tan? That’s not a “middle of January” tan. She’s going somewhere good for break. And you? You haven’t even started thinking about the week off yet. You slowly put down the second (okay, forth) slice of pizza you were just about to shovel into your mouth and take a deep breath.

I’m not sure yet. I was thinking of just working? I’m trying to save up for after graduation, and I can get a lot of hours if I work that week.

You see it. The look of triumph spread over her stupid face. She flicks her (newly highlighted) hair off of her tanned, toned shoulder and gives you a look of fake pity.

Awww! That’s too bad. I was hoping you were coming on the trip to (insert absurdly cool place here) with us! Boo. Well. I’m sure you’ll have fun here. Alone. Working. I think (insert the name of the guy you’ve been secretly in love with for your entire college career here) is coming with us! I’ll be sure to keep an eye on him (wink). Love ya!

Shit. It’s pretty much the worst thing that could happen. You decide to stay home. To be responsible. And then you watch all of your friends and sort-of-friends go off and have the time of their stupid lives. “But it’s okay!” You stutter. “I feel like getting a head start on my future would be more beneficial and really set me up for a good post-grad life and blah blah blah.” Yawn. Do you know what’s going to happen when you stay home working at whatever shitty restaurant you’ve been serving at for three years? Let me break it down for you.

That frenemy is going to post an insane number of Instagram pictures. I’m talking beautiful, carefree, pulling in 200+ likes pictures. Some of them are going to be with the guy you’re in love with. Will they hook up? LOL. What do you think? While you’re busy scooping ice cream, crunching numbers, or laughing at your customers lame jokes, she’s going to be batting her eyelash extensions at him. They’re going to laugh. They might kiss during sunset. It’s going to be romantic. Really romantic. Will they be exclusively dating when they return? Most likely. They’ll become that couple. The ones who post endless pictures of each other and make out in bars like they haven’t been dating forever. They’ll get married, of course. And he’ll slip your dream ring onto her perfectly manicured finger. You’ll find this out because you’re alone, at home, with your seven cats.

Yeah. If you don’t go on spring break, your life is going to suck. I know you think it’s time to be responsible, and I respect that. But in the real world? You don’t get a week off of responsibilities to get shit-faced drunk with your friends. You don’t get to lounge on the beach and just relax. You need to take advantage of it while you have the chance. Trust me. You. Need. This.

And luckily, I have the perfect spring break for you. The best plans. The ones that will make your stupid frenemy regret ever trying to one-up you.

Cue: The TSM/TFM Spring Break Cruise.


Basically we’ve partnered up with StudentCity to create the absolute best spring break you could possibly imagine. March 11-14 we’re giving you a music festival at sea. Seriously. Not only do you get all of the perks of a cruise (hello sun, alcohol, and food that completely destroys every bit of progress you’ve made since your New Year’s diet), but it’s also an effing music festival. The lineup includes 30 DJs and artists you’ll actually want to see, like Bassjackers, Cash Cash, Cazzette, The Chainsmokers, Lil Dicky, and Tyga.

AND if a cruise to the Bahamas, with two private parties, four themed parties, unlimited drinks, and the best artists in the game don’t convince you, then this will:

The entire TSM and TFM content team is going. That’s right. These bitches are going on spring break. That means you can take shots with all of your favs over at TFM, tan and sip drinks and talk shit with TSM, or hang out in the pizza line with me. Because let’s be real. Unlimited alcohol and food? This girl’s going to be living off of nachos, late-night ice cream, and carbs the entire week. Join me.

And so, because we all decided to say “fuck it” to work (just like I’m telling you to say “fuck it” to your responsibilities) we’re offering you a deal. I know, I know. We’re like, so nice. The flash sale we’re throwing your way is actually sort of insane and I don’t know how they’re getting off giving you all of this for so cheap but whatever. Not my problem. Basically, if you sign up by Friday at 11:59 p.m. EST this is how it’ll all break down for you:

Triple Room: $399 +$200 taxes = $599 total per person
Double Room: $449 + $200 taxes = $649 total per person
Single Room: $939 + $200 taxes = $1139 total person

Which is $280 off per person from the normal rate. TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DOLLARS. And these rates? They include everything. Taxes, all the food you could ever eat (and them some), all the top-notch alcohol you could drink (annnnd then some), plus parties, clubs, themed parties, renown DJs, famous entertainers, casinos, and all the people you love to hate (or hate to love) from TSM and TFM. Oh. And there’s an awesome gym. If you’re into that sort of thing. So that brings me to my last point: what the actual hell are you waiting for?

Everyone who books through this editorial will have exclusive access to a TFM/TSM themed mixer with all of us. And partying with us means we won’t rat you out to standards. Promise. All you need? Pay the $100 deposit when you sign up, be 21 by the time we sail (March 11, 2016), and prepare your liver and mind for the best spring break you might sort of remember.

So don’t let your annoying AF frenemy have a better spring break than you. Don’t let her get the guy, and don’t die alone with your seven cats. Book your spring break cruise. Hangout with us. Have the time of your life. Trust me, being responsible can wait. Being lame AF and visiting your dumb hometown can wait. Being fucked up with 2,400 of your closest friends on the world’s first fully chartered Spring Break cruise? Yeah. That’s something you gotta do. Sign up now. Be responsible later.

See ya in March!

Sign up below, and go to for more details.

Email this to a friend

Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

New Stories

Load More