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If Your Academic Papers Were Tweets

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The Revolutionary War
America > England. LOL. What was the tea party? That sounds super srat. America <333 But also…Kate Middleton <3

Henry VIII
Divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. THOSE WERE HIS WIVES. Like, I’m sorry? Where does he get off? #SmallPenisSyndrome

Watergate
My dad said this was totally unfair. Sorry for trying to save the country. Was this during Vietnam? I don’t really get it… #NSA

JFK
Being a Jackie. TSM. Being a Marilyn? TSTC. But seriously, this is so sad. He was a major hottie. Like. Total DILF status. #daddy

String Theory 
I…have no idea. #help

2000 Presidential Election
Serious question: did Al Gore actually invent the internet? That’s kind of a game changer. #Apple #iPhone #AshtonKutcherIsABabe

Seneca Falls
I’m 100% a feminist. Except when it comes to paying for things. #byeeeeeee #BeAGentleman

The Civil War
My mom’s mom said that the south will rise again. My dad’s mom told her to go to hell. I hate Thanksgiving. #WaitWhat

The Holocaust
I’m Jewish…and offended. #automaticA

Great Expectations
Ethan Hawke was amazing. Are we over Gwyneth Paltrow yet? Apparently they turned the movie into a book! So cute. #love

Iran Contra
Isn’t Ollie North an actor? He was totally framed. Also, what does ‘contra’ mean? LOL. RIP Reagan. #bestpresidentever

Bill Clinton
He got a blow job from an intern. Idk if he did anything else. Probably not. When my husband is president, I won’t tolerate that shit.

Andrew Jackson
Old Hickory? More like Old Meanie! What did the Indians ever do to him? Pocahontas was so pretty <333 Love her. #colorsofthewind

Enron
Is this what got Martha Stewart in trouble? She not only survived, she thrived. I baked cupcakes for the class! #pleasedontfailme

The Panama Canal
I went there for Spring Break. Don’t drink the water. Seriously. Also, there’s a canal? #whoknew #iwasdrunk

Black Hawk Down
Josh Hartnett <333 So sad. I cried the whole time. PAUSE. Was this real?!?! #ICantEven

Foot Binding
As someone who was a ballerina from the ages of 5-7, this is inhumane. Like. I feel victimized. Not okay. #survivor

Evolution
Ummm…I’m pretty sure I can say I’m a Christian and get out of this assignment. Right? Wait. RIGHT?! #DueInAnHour

Safe Sex
Make him pull out. Also, ask your doctor for a Plan-B prescription. Totes clutch. #safetyfirst #nobabies

Spanish
Yo solía Google Translate en toda esta tarea. #ShouldvePaidAttentionInHighSchool

Fall Internship
I got coffee and picked up dry cleaning. Also, I slept with my boss. WHOOPS! #lol #GiveMeAJob

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Catie Warren

From Rush To Rehab (@catie__warren) is a semi-fuctioning adult who has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with TSM, Rehab was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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