Question: have you actually ever read your chapter’s bylaws? Like, sat down and read all 30-plus pages of rules and regulations that will govern your life until you graduate? Odds are, you haven’t. Don’t feel bad – you are in the majority. I mean, who the hell has time to read all of that when there are boys to bang, pledges to haze and vodka to be drunk? No one.
Plus, we all know that document isn’t realistic. But what if they were? What if your chapter had a set of rules that you actually stood a chance in hell of following? Odds are, they would probably look a little bit like this…
BYLAWS OF THE ALPHA CHAPTER OF CHI UPSILON ZETA SORORITY
Effective August 1, 2016-July 31, 2017
ARTICLE I. NAME.
The name of this organization is the Alpha chapter of the Chi Upsilon Zeta Sorority. Alternatively known on campus as “the hot ones,” “the cool ones,” “the TSTC ones,” and/or “the hot messes” depending on the day/who you ask.
ARTICLE II. PURPOSE.
The outward purpose of the Alpha chapter of Chi Upsilon Zeta Sorority is “to develop a true sisterhood, contribute to our campus and community via philanthropy, and to promote the development of our members in terms of intellect, leadership skills, and personal character.” The internal purpose of the Chi Upsilon Zeta Sorority is “to meet a bunch of girls who like vodka as much as you do, hang out with hot fraternity guys, and black out as often as humanly possible, while still managing to graduate (barely) due to the test bank in the basement.”
ARTICLE III. RELATIONSHIP WITH NATIONALS.
Section 1 – Chapter Advisors. Chapter members shall pretend to listen to the sage advice of the chapter advisor, and then proceed to fuck up anyway and not understand why she is pissed. Chapter members shall also be very nice to the face of the chapter advisor, as that she is a volunteer giving her time to the chapter, and occasionally give her a thank you note, whilst calling her a killjoy behind her back.
Section 2 – National Visitors. All members of Chi Upsilon Sorority are to be on their best behavior during visits from nationals as that good behavior is worth it for one week if it means the chapter is left alone the other fifty one. Any violations that you get caught for will lead to be you being identified as the “bad seed” member and being cast out of the chapter immediately, with everyone else crops themselves out of the pictures and vehemently denying that they **ever** have engaged in similar behavior.
ARTICLE IV. LEVELS OF MEMBERSHIP
Section 1 – New Member. People in the outside world know new members as “pledges;” however, that word is considered inappropriate because of its connotation and has been banned. Nonetheless, while the word has changed, the meaning is the same. During the period between recruitment and initiation, these women must earn their membership by being at our beck and call and fulfilling all of our demands.
Section 2 – Lifetime Member. An initiated sister who has not yet graduated. Depending on her study/bullshit skills, this period shall last between four and six years.
Section 3 – Alumnae. Women who remain involved in the sorority post-graduation. See “advisors” above as that they are likely the only ones you will ever meet outside of the seniors that just graduated.
ARTICLE V. RESPONSIBILITIES OF INDIVIDUAL MEMBERS
Section 1 – Bylaws. All sisters in the alpha chapter of Chi Upsilon Zeta Sorority are responsible for reading the bylaws and signing a document stating that you have done so. The purpose of this document is that it will be used against you in standards when you say “I didn’t know that was a rule.”
Section 2 – Dues. All chapter
members parents of chapter members are required to pay their dues in a timely fashion. If dues are not paid, you will be suspended from the chapter; however, you may still show up at all public chapter events because there’s really nothing we can do about it anyway.
Section 3 – Required Participation. All members are required to attend all events labeled as mandatory. All chapter events are labeled as mandatory except for social events (aka the stuff you would go to anyway.)
Section 4 – Grades. All members are required to maintain our minimum grade point average. Sisters who fall below the minimum grade point average will be put on an academic plan, and if their grades do not improve, they will continue to be put academic plans until they A.) graduate by the skin of their teeth, B.) are suspended by the university or C.) finally tell their parents their real grades and are not allowed to return to school “to waste more of our money.”
Section 5 – Social Media. Chapter members are expected to uphold the organization’s standards on social media at all times. All posts/pictures should be appropriate. With the exception of Snapchat because that disappears too fast to prove anything.
ARTICLE VI. AUTHORITY OF THE STANDARDS BOARD
Following the organization’s policies and procedures, the standards board has the authority to:
• Release a new member prior to initiation
• Discipline a chapter member
• Remove a chapter member from membership
• Remove an officer from her position
• Accept member resignations
• Force member resignations
• Change/interpret these bylaws to fit their purposes
• Dole out differing punishments for the exact same offense depending on how well you are able to fake being sorry
• Generally make your life a living hell
ARTICLE VII. RISK MANAGEMENT
Section 1 – Alcohol and Drugs. Written rule for insurance and liability purposes: No booze, no drugs, no fun. Unwritten rule for reality: drink all of the booze, do some of the drugs, just don’t get caught.
Section 2 – Hazing. Hazing is not allowed at the Alpha chapter of Chi Upsilon sorority. The aforementioned “demands” made of new members should not be construed as hazing, because we add the clause “you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to” at the end of each demand. Of course, not participating will result in a new member immediately being dropped from the chapter.
See? Short, sweet and to the point. But let’s be honest, we probably wouldn’t follow these either..