If Your Favorite Drinks Were Boys

If Your Favorite Drinks Were Boys

Natty Light

Natty is the guy you met on your first day of college that lived on your freshman year hall. You thought he was disgusting at first and vowed you would never fall for a guy like him. But after messing around with him once or twice, you realized that he’s not only easygoing and carefree, but dependable as well, so you learned to tolerate him. Whether the occasion is morning tailgates, afternoon barbecues, or a random Monday night spent in dirt-floor basements because there’s nothing better to do, you can bet Natty Light will be present. He’s great to have fun with during your college years, but you’ll eventually end up looking back and ask yourself why on Earth you ever got involved with someone so cheap. But beware, despite his completely watered down personality, you will probably have yet another regrettable run in with him when you visit as an alum.

Vodka Soda

You had your first experience with good ‘ol VS either at the beginning of college or at the tail end of high school. You probably shouldn’t have—considering you were too young to be doing so—but all the other girls experimented with him, so you thought, “what harm can it do?” Since then, VS has been your trusty guy on the side. You know that choosing him at the end of the night (read: beginning) will do no harm, but he’s not doing a whole lot of good either. On the plus side, you know he’s always an option, and you consider him a fantastic, reliable go-to especially when you’re at a venue nicer than a fraternity house kitchen after a home game. However, where as Natty is cheap, requiring very little effort on your part, VS is a lot more expensive—sometimes not even worth the extra cost because he’s so bland and boring to begin with.

Bottled Wine

Dark or light, full-bodied or crisp, Napa-bred or hailing from abroad, wine always makes you feel sophisticated. You always feel ladylike, classy, and mature when he’s around. He’s neither boring like VS, nor cheap and annoying like Natty. He has a personality to him, treats you with respect, and makes you feel appreciated. Since he might be one of the first—or only—you’ve encountered during college that treats you with the respect you deserve, it will probably be hard to resist clinging onto him. However, be forewarned: your over-indulgence WILL put you in an overly emotional state. Eventually, having too much will catch up with you, leaving you in tears the night of, and a massive migraine and pit in your stomach the next morning.


Tequila is the infamous bad boy. Whether he’s a player, has a criminal record, or is a few years your senior (or all three…hi), he’s the one you simply can’t resist. He may or may not be notorious for making you take all your clothes off. Tequila makes you feel amazingly sexy, which is why it’s so hard to say no. You tell all your sisters that if they see you intermingling with tequila, to pull you away immediately. But sometimes they’re off with their own drinks, and no one is there to protect you. All self-control flies out the door. You tell yourself, “one taste of it won’t hurt,” knowing in the back of your mind that this is dangerous road you’re heading down—one filled with huge headaches, endless regrets, and countless “WHY ME?!” pleas to God. Every time you wake up the next morning, the first word out of your mouth is “FUCKKKKK,” and you’ll swear off tequila until the end of time. But you know just as well as I do that the next time it’s offered to you—or should I say offers himself to you—that you’re gladly going to take the bait.


Sangria is your beautiful foreign boy you had a fling with while abroad. Think Paolo from “The Lizzie McGuire Movie” or MaryKate and Ashley’s men of choice in “Passport to Paris,” “Holiday in the Sun,” or “Winning London.” Sangria makes you feel sophisticated like wine, and sexy like tequila. But you know it will never last, so you should probably just chug it and enjoy it for one night. At least you’ll have a great brunch story to tell for the rest of time.

Mike’s Hard Lemonade/Smirnoff Ice/Any Of That Gross Shit 16-Year-Olds Drink

Ah, the high school boyfriend you can’t get away from. For some unknown reason, he’s STILL THERE when you come home on breaks. He’s literally so unattractive to you now that you’d rather stay sober and Netflix the whole night than associate with him and his childish ways. But sometimes…sometimes you still take a regrettable swig, relive your high school days, and remark to your girlfriends in the morning that you didn’t feel a thing when you indulged now that you’ve moved on to bigger and better things.

Long Island Iced Tea

Couldn’t even tell you his name never mind what he was like. All bets are off.

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Drunk but not in love

(@DrunkNOTinLove) is a die-hard Splenda addict who requires a constant supply of caffeine and male attention to make it through the day. After graduating with her degree in Economics, she now focuses her energy on adding a "Home" to her degree title by perfecting the "intelligent drunk," and conning a banker into marrying her one day. Originally from New England, she is a hardcore Boston sports fan, but only when boys are around. Almost all of her calories consumed Thursday - Saturday (and the occasional Tuesday) are from $7 bottles of Yellowtail Moscato, and in no way, shape, or form is she fazed by this. All forms of hate mail and date party inquiries can be sent to

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