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If You’ve Slept With More Than Five People, Science Says Your Relationship Is Destined For Doom

I came upon some disappointing news today. According to some data collected by MSN (those assholes) the fifth guy you sleep with is “The One.” Looks like I’ve got some work to do! Kidding, I could have had, like, four husbands by now. Kidding again.

How did researchers come upon this magic number? Well, they surveyed 2,000 people, which helped the researchers create a “love formula.” When couples plug their information into the formula, researchers found that when both members of a couple have had four previous partners, they are most likely to “make it.” Sounds like a load of bullshit to me. Let’s take a look.

The Love Formula is a slightly complicated mathematical puzzle, but psychologist Corrine Sweet believes it’s not to be sniffed at and really could help us work out if we’re with ‘the one’
1) Firstly, multiply the amount of years you knew each other before you became an item by .5 then add the number 8 to this number. Let’s call this total number the ‘special number’
2) Separately, add together the number of previous partners for both people and multiply by .2. Minus this total from the special number total
3) Multiply 9 by the importance the male attaches to honesty (importance is ranked at 1 to 5 where 1 is least and 5 is most important). Add this to the special number total
4) Then add the value the woman places on money (scale of 1 to 5 again) multiplied by 3 to the special number
5) Add together the importance both place on humour (using the scale of 1 to 5 again) and add this to the special number
6) Multiply the value both place on good looks (added together) by .3. Minus this number from the running special number
7) Separately, minus the importance the female places on sex from the amount the male places on sex. Multiple this result by .5 then square the result (i.e multiply it by itself). Minus this result from the special number
8) Add the importance the couple attached to inlaws (added together) to the special number
9) Multiply the importance the couple places on children (added together) by 1.5, then add this number to the special number
10) The final ‘special number’ is the amount of years you’ll be together

According to psychologist and relationship expert Corinne Sweet (her last name would be Sweet) people settle on their fifth partner, because it’s at that time they’re most sure of themselves.

The rest of the formula was derived, because evidently, your past is NOT the sole determinant of the success of your current relationship–which is the only thing about this study that makes any sense so far.

Aside from the fact that 2,000 is a relatively small sample size, the fact that your number is nobody’s business but your own, and the fact that you shouldn’t rely on math to tell you how you feel, this formula has one glaring flaw. What the survey neglects to mention is how to derive your number of previous sexual partners in the first place. That’s where I come in.

1. First, determine how attractive you are on a scale of 1-10 and multiply this number by two.
2. Divide that number by 100.
3. Subtract that number from one.
4. Multiply that number by the actual number of partners you’ve had.
5. Subtract one for every semester you were single in college.
6. Divide by two for good measure.
7. Round to the nearest whole number.
8. Find the absolute value.
9. Take that number and contemplate suicide for exactly that many minutes.
10. Fuck it all, and just say “four.” This ensures that every new guy you sleep with is your fifth, meaning all of them will want to marry you.

You’re welcome.

*Drops mic. Exits stage.*

[via Daily Mail]

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Veronica Ruckh

Veronica (@VeronicaRuckh) is the Director of Total Sorority Move for Grandex, Inc. After having spent her undergraduate years drinking \$4 double LITs on a patio and drunk texting away potential suitors, she managed to graduate with an impressive GPA and an unimpressive engagement ring -- so unimpressive, in fact, some might say it's not there at all. Veronica has since been fulfilling her duties as "America's big," a title she gave to herself with the help of her giant ego. She has recently switched from vodka to wine on weekdays. Email her at veronica@grandex.co