“I’ll never be in a long distance relationship EVER again,” I told myself as I laid in a pool of my own tears and sweat because I hadn’t gotten out of bed in approximately 72 hours. The single life is the way to go anyways. You have no ties. You have no emotional attachment. You have no problems!!!! Except that little problem, that little whisper in the back of your head that says you are imminently doomed to live a loveless life and have no meaningful connection with a SO ever again. NBD!
Fast forward a year and a half later, still reveling in the emotionally detached lifestyle, when all of a sudden, like a swift breeze off of the Pacific Ocean in the middle of July, a DM slide, so subtle that even you, queen of self absorbency, don’t pick up the hint. Ahh, the power of Instagram. You can connect with literally anybody in the world, with no common connection other than they pop up on your “explore” feed. You’ve heard the success stories of couples who meet on Instagram, so you are all about opening up this window of opportunity to eventually have some sex and maybe even get married (LOL)! This guy is into you, and even though you yourself are not 100% convinced, you must throw the fishing line out into that Pacific ocean and see if there is any bite. Without hesitation, you find out all the information that is important to you: height, personality, style, blood type, W2, all by searching through his social media and when you realize he actually could be a good catch, you find your self flying back into his DMs like a bat out of hell.
One DM leads to one Snapchat. One Snapchat leads to one text message. One text message leads to one drunk phone call. Ten drunk phone calls lead to a sober phone call. And before you know it. You are emotionally in a long distance relationship. It happened slowly, then all at once. Like quick sand in the Sahara desert. I like this guy.
And alas, here I am, somewhere I never wanted to be, and feeling conflicted as shit about it. I swore myself off of long distance relationships. THEY SUCK. It sucks when your SO can’t be there for important life milestones, like winning best big little or something at formal. Communication between men and women is already horrible, so imagine not living in the same zip code and having to navigate through the already shitty communication. And trust, my boyfriend who is not actually my boyfriend gets on my last nerve with how long he takes to text me back sometimes, so why am I putting myself through this LDR torture?
So this is where I am hit with my 20-year-old life crisis. Am I desperate? If I swore long distance relationships off, why am I even entertaining the thought of one? Am I leading him on? All these thoughts are racing through my head as I’m trying to pretend I’m working in the office. Is it wrong of me to make him come visit only for me to determine that I probably won’t want to be official with him because I don’t want to be official with anyone? The word just keeps flashing in my brain. Desperate. Desperate. Desperate. But I’m not! At least I think I’m not? SEE WHERE THIS HELL HOLE NEVER ENDS!? I tell myself to stand on my principals, values, and freedom, but what if I miss out on my future husband because I was too stubborn to look past some distance? I know I’m not the only one.
I still haven’t figured it out. I’m nowhere close to figuring it out. So in the mean time, I’ll continue to dig up old dirt until I can find substantial evidence to get me out of this thing..